The Queen B

Country Living

 

Since moving to the middle of nowhere 2 years ago, I can't think of a day that I have questioned our sanity.

Until yesterday.

Well.

There was the weening of the calves (calfs?) day.  I hated country life that day. That day broke my heart.  There was constant crying for 24 hours ...

And the calves (calfs?) were not much better.

But the wonderfulness of the isolation fresh air and nature even makes the weening day a tiny blip in my memory.

Until.

Yesterday morning,  I looked out to see a truck with some sort of tank driving quite rapidly through the neighbor's pasture.

Unsure of what was happening, I stepped outside.

HUGE MISTAKE.

Apparently yesterday was the day the neighbor chose to fertilize his field.

There are no words.

Seriously.

None.

I wish you could momentarily smell what I was greeted with yesterday morning.

I've often heard of chicken litter.  And I've even smelled it from a distance.

However.

Nothing could have prepared me for this assault.

I called The King and asked what was happening.

He said he'd smelled it earlier that morning when he left the house and had been expecting my call.

I asked him what exactly comprised "chicken litter".

He informed me that it was chicken poop "and stuff" from the bottom of chicken houses.

Y'all.  It was so bad.

I did what any good mother would do, and immediately told The Princess to come outside.

She gagged.

We went back inside and locked the door.  My nose was burning.

I smelled a candle.  I stuck my face in the side of my cat.  I stuck my face in the load of freshly dried towels.

The Princess finally caught her breath and said that it smelled like the worst combination of sweaty feet and poop that she could imagine.

Can you think of a good combination of sweaty feet and poop? 

We stayed inside all day and never ventured back out.  By the time The King came home it had either gone away or I now have immunity.

Do you think the farming neighbors would find me too city-ish if I asked for a few days notice before the fertilizing begins next time?

I'D LIKE TO SCHEDULE A SMALL VACATION.

Your Confusion Is Justified

So those of you who are confused by the layout of my house can feel better... Turn right into the doorway that can barely be seen. (thanks for the emails) (And I know it posted twice. Working on that.) (I blame it on Friday)

Well. It's A Start.

I know, I know.  

I am way tardy in the sharing of the house pictures.  

We are almost settled, so I am going to try and get motivated to take pictures...or to recruit a friend who takes better pictures than I do.

Here we go.

(As usual, forgive the photography.)

 

Welcome.  This is my front door.  There is another light on the other side of the door, but I chopped it off with my camera.

See that window?

Guess what room is behind that window?

You'll never believe it.

 

This is what you see when you walk through the front door.

Well.  

Except for the front part that didn't make the shot.

We'll get to that another day.

(If you are super observant, you'll notice the blue tape on my stair wall.  I'm going to be hanging a shelf there eventually.)

Anyway. 

If you turn left through the doorway that you really can't see...

You'll be here.

The stained door goes into the master bedroom.  That door was in my great-grandmother's home.  We stripped it and stained it and were able to use its original hardware.

I love it.

The door on the left is a closet which you'll never see.

The door on the right opens into the powder bath.

Yep.  That window gives you a view right to the potty.

I love the powder bath.

As you tour our home, you'll see lots of wall treatments.  

Is that a phrase?

Is there a better phrase?

You'll also hear a lot about Sarah.

Sarah works for our builder.  She helps you pick out stuff.

Sarah rocks.

I had SO many pictures of what I wanted and Sarah helped me make it happen.

We love Sarah.

Anyway.

The wall treatments helped me create the character of an old farmhouse.  

Did I tell you that was my goal?

It was.

I wanted a new, old farmhouse.

So.

I love this light fixture.  It has a chrome chain.

We used an oil rubbed bronze hardware, but have also some chrome stuff here and there.

I hate putting all my eggs in one basket.

 

 

 

Sarah helped me make great choices on my countertops.  We were really trying to save money, so we went to a remnant sale at a granite place and found this little scrap of loveliness for a steal!

I love these exposed hinges.

 

I love this curtain.

I especially love this curtain rod.

Sarah & I went to Lowe's and had some plumbing pipe thing cut to be our rod.

That is exactly how I wanted this house...silk curtains on a galvanized pipe.  I love it.

 

Can you imagine if this curtain did not exist?

Why hello, Mr. UPS man!

I don't think so.

(P.S.  That big lump in the drive is not a dead cow.  It is a pile of rocks.)

Thanks for visiting my bathroom. 

More to come.

Oh.  If anyone is interested, I'll post paint colors and stuff after I show the rooms.  I repeated most colors A LOT.   Unless you need the info sooner or something.  Then you can email me.  Or.  Maybe you would never use these colors in a million years. Don't email me about that.

Have a lovely weekend.

Hi. It's Me.

So, um, hello.

How are y'all?

I'm good.

I am almost sorta feeling settled in the new house.

That almost sorta feeling has come after DAYS of not sleeping, trying to get everything put in its place so that life can get back to some sort of normal.

(P.S.  Normal doesn't actually exist.)

I am going to take lots of pictures for you soon.

Like, maybe tomorrow.

Here's what's been going on at The Palace...

*We moved.

*We cleaned the old house. (This, by the way, was not fun.)

*We've been taking care of the kittens.

The kittens' claws are becoming weapons of mass destruction.

*The King had a birthday last Thursday.

*La P had a birthday last Thursday.

She's 6.

(If you are wondering, The King is exactly 30 years older than La P.)

It breaks my heart for her to have had a birthday and not have been with her.

I don't think she even knew it was her birthday, though.

Which also breaks my heart.

*The Princess has a birthday today!!!  

Happy Birthday, Princess!

(She is 12!)

*My mom got married.
 

I've missed catching up with each of you.  

My blog reader thing says 1000+.  My sanity may require that I hit "delete all".  

If something has gone on in your world that I've missed, let me know.  

Seriously.

I need to know.

I just can't wade through 1000+ to find out your news.

Thanks for hanging around.

I mean it.

Where Did My Groove Go?

It is well documented that I am a dork.

I love to organize things.

Everything in my home has its place.

However.

I am currently having serious deficiencies in the packing department.

We begin moving in 9 days and I'm not making progress.  

I've got some boxes. And packing paper.  And tape.

I just can't get motivated to put my things in the boxes.

It seems kinda pointless to wrap & pack just to move 20 miles.  But it is too far to make a zillion car trips...

Tips?  Hints?  Wanna come pack my house?

Oh The Drama Of The Skunk Stove

Remember my beautiful stove?

Oh, stove.  We could've had such a good life... 

Here's the deal.

The King went crazy and ON HIS OWN selected and purchased a commercial stove for our home.

Yeah, yeah.  It was sweet.

The King let the cabinet maker know that it was a 36" stove.  He let the plumber know what size gas pipe thing was required.  

He said everything else was standard.

He was wrong.

After the cabinets were under construction, a teensy little discovery was made.

THE STOVE WAS A FOOT DEEPER THAN STANDARD.

THE STOVE WAS A FOOT DEEPER THAN THE CABINETS.

Some magic formula that calculates the size of a kitchen walkway and island compared to its location relative to Mars and the size of your stove determined that my island would be 36 inches narrower than I'd planned.

Not to mention the fact that THE STOVE WAS A FOOT DEEPER THAN THE CABINETS.

Can you even imagine how many times I would hit my hip on her corner?

(Have I ever told you how easily I bruise?)

So.  

The beautiful stove still sits in her lovely shrink wrapping on top of the skunk.

If I'd known that she was super deep before cabinet construction, we could have planned around the measurements.

And yes.  I acknowledge that I could have measured it myself. 

But that would not be fun.  Let's go back to blaming The King.

Have I told you that I've never had an island?  

I've always wanted an island.  

I've wanted to bake cookies while the laughing children sit and do their homework and we talk about our day and about how happy we are to have cookies and milk and how excited we are for daddy to come home from work and then he'll walk in to the clean & good smelling house and kiss the kids and kiss me and thank me for baking cookies, and...

The super deep skunk stove was going to take that dream from me.

So now I've got a 30" normal stove.

Nothing fancy.  No red knobs.  Just standard.

But she & I will SO be baking lots of cookies.

So Close I Can Taste It

I'm working on a La P update.  

I know it sounds weird, but La P posts kind of drain me.  I have to write them in small pieces.

Am I a wimp?

Until then, I thought I'd show you my almost completed kitchen.  

The pantry door still needs its screen to be installed, but you can get the idea.
 

You know my photography is not good.  If you enlarge the picture and squint, you can sort of see it...
 
 

There will be another light over the sink.  It is crystal-y and sweet.  And backordered.

Did y'all know that "backordered" is code for "we forgot to order it"?  

I can't prove it, but I'm pretty sure...
 

 

I'm thinking there may have been a hair on my camera lens.

Some of you may notice that this is not the stove from The King.  

That's a long story.  Another time...
 

Thanks for looking.  

***

Here's a sweet picture of La P that I received last week.

I'm about to bust to see her again!

Here's Why I'm Not Blogging

1.  I am going to be moving in less than 2 weeks.

2.  I have not packed a single thing.

3.  Do I really need any more reasons?

So we went to Sam's Club to get a new television on Monday.  

The King is super excited to get a flat screen.

We currently have a tiny little flat screen.

Our other 2 televisions were purchased when I was in the 9th grade.

I wish I were kidding.

Anyway.  We went to Sam's.

While at Sam's, I was approached by a mattress selling lady.  She actually had a really great sales pitch thing and was so obviously out of her comfort zone that my heart was mildly broken. 

We need a new mattress.  Ours is 12 years old and has a RATHER DRAMATIC lean to The Side O' The King.

(Consequently, The King does not feel that a new mattress is necessary.  He does not roll to the right every single night.)

Where was I?

So the precious, scared lady was trying to sell me a mattress.  

I decided it was a good time to buy and I thought she could use a little boost.

She encouraged me to lie (lay?) on the sample mattress.

I pulled out the sample mattress and OH MY WORD AT THE NASTINESS.

I plead with you to never, never, never pull out the sample mattress at Sam's.  

I would encourage Sam's to consider providing some sort of disposable covering type thing on the sample mattress.

All of that is not my point, though.

My point is that the mattress lady was offering a $50 gift card with the Labor Day purchase of the mattress.  

So I went to the service desk to tell them that I wanted a mattress.

The Girl In An Important Vest said, "We don't have any."

I said, "But there's a big huge mattress selling display thing happening in the middle of the store."

She said, "We'll have to get some ordered.  I show that we are out of the mattresses."

I said, "Well can I get my $50 gift card if it is ordered?"

She said, "No."

I said, "But can I have a raincheck type thing?"

She said, "No."

I said, "Why are you telling customers that they can have a gift card with the purchase of a mattress when there are no mattresses to be purchased?"

She said, "I can't sell you what I don't have."

Let's review, shall we?

I didn't just come up with the idea that a gift card would be a lovely token of Sam's gratitude for my purchase...the mattress lady approached me.  And offered a gift card.  With the purchase of a mattress.  On that day.  

So The King decided to visit with the manager.  

I decided to take that opportunity to go pay for the flat screen.

We had the tv in the basket along with a ticket with its listed price.

However.

We were charged $200 more than the listed price.

I took that piece of info to The King, who was still waiting on the manager.

I decided to take that opportunity to go get a hot dog.

The Princess and I ordered 3 hot dog combos.

The sweet Sam's hot dog lady gave me 2 hot dogs and 3 cups.  The Princess took our cups to fill and I waited on the 3rd hot dog.

The sweet Sam's hot dog lady (heretofore known as SSHDL) turned to her not quite as sweet Sam's hot dog ladies and asked one of them to please put some new hot dogs in the cooker.

The not quite as sweet Sam's hot dog lady (heretofore known as NQASSHDL) said she was too busy.

Might I add that I'm loving the irony of that nickname.

SSHDL kindly said that it would be great if NQASSHDL could get to those hot dogs rather quickly since a customer was waiting.

I moved to the side and SSHDL began helping the line of customers.  

I waited about 8 minutes, then reminded SSHDL that I still needed that hot dog.

(It must be noted that The King is still speaking with the manager during this time.)

SSHDL asked NQASSHDL if she could get to those hot dogs.

NQASSHDL said she would.

But, sadly, she did not.

(It must be noted that I am not in too much of a hurry because, as mentioned, The King is still hanging with the manager.)

SSHDL waited on a few more customers.

Finally, in what can only be described as a Seriously Well-Deserved Labor Day Melt Down, SSHDL turned to the entire staff of NQASSHDLs and screamed, "WILL SOMEBODY GET ME A STINKIN' HOT DOG?!"

The Princess and I burst into fits of uncontrollable and inappropriate laughter.

A few minutes later, we received our 3rd hot dog.

I stuffed the hot dogs in my purse and made my way to The King.

Who, by this time, had sweet talked his way into the $200 off of the tv, a mattress that will arrive next week AND a gift card, an upgraded membership and a $100 travel voucher.

I feel certain that I had a point to all of this.  I just don't recall what that was. 

Something to do with my not blogging.

(Which I deeply regret.)

(And plan to resume as soon as possible.)

Proof

Why I Love All The Subcontractors With The Exception Of The Painters

So the painters have put us a week or 2 behind.

Thanks, painters.

Every time I go to the house, the painters are eating.

Donuts. 

Fajitas.

Something brown with sauce.

More donuts.

They've had a NASTY looking microwave parked in the house since their arrival. 

I assumed it was to melt paint or something.

Nope.  It's to heat their snacks.

For real.

I'll show you a few pictures.

I don't love showing the pictures because of my poor photography.  I tell you that every time, but my poor photography makes my color choices look heinous. 

Squint or something.
 

This is the master bathtub.  It is not a jacuzzi.

One time, I accidentally pushed the ON button on a jacuzzi tub and GAZILLIONS of particles of nastiness exploded onto my body.  

I've yet to recover.
 

This is a crooked picture of the master bedroom.

It is not painted.  Because the painters didn't come to work for 3 days.
 

The kitchen.  More specifically, the pantry in the kitchen.

Here's a little tale about my neurosis...  

I need things to be on 90 degree angles.

I don't really do well with things placed on angles of less than 90 degrees.

They make me ache.

The first thing that I told the architect was, "I need 90 degree angles, please."

The first thing I noticed upon receiving the plan was the pantry.

THE NOT 90 DEGREE ANGLED PANTRY.

I am considering it growth that I was able to move forward with construction.

Anyway, here is really how I'm dealing with the poorly placed pantry:

I'm accessorizing it.
 

Powder bath.  
 

Back porch.  Beams will be stained when the painters finish their buffet.

That's all I've got for now.

Tonight, I was trying to sneak up on a sweet little calf to take his picture.

Instead, this is what I got.

Who knew that mama cows could have horns?

I did not know that.

I'm sure they are quite useful.