The Queen B

Amazing Grace

One year ago today.

One year ago today I almost lost my husband.

One year ago today my priorities shifted.

One year ago today I learned the meaning of gratitude.

One year ago today unconditional was redefined.

One year ago today we began a journey that I would never have asked to embark upon.

One year ago today we began a journey that I appreciate more every day.

One year ago today.

Beloved

Sixteen years ago today I married my best friend.

This year has brought us more challenges than any other. 

It has also brought us closer than I dreamed possible.

I came so close to losing him on March 21. Mercifully, God allowed us more time together on this earth.  

I am grateful for each day that I've been given as his wife.

He's shown such a gentle strength in weakness.  

He's learned how to trust.

He's learned how to wait.

He no longer seeks to get his own way, but seeks to do the will of his Father.

I am so very proud of him.

Happy Anniversary, King.  I love you.

 

 

Sweet

Guess who graduated from Kindergarten last week?

Isn't she growing up so fast??

We will be traveling to Guatemala later this month.  Would you please join us in prayer for our trip? Though we are praying for hearts to be softened, we truly just want to be in the Father's will.  

I do have a few tiny anxieties:  The King's first big trip since his surgery; flying.

That's pretty much the list.

I am really just excited to spend time with her and with the other kids.  

We have changed a lot since our last visit, and I'm excited to see the orphanage with clearer eyes.  

While I'm talking about the serious, I'd like to share something else with you.  I don't know how to explain it, but The King and I both feel that God is preparing us for a new chapter.  It may not be anything dramatically different.  But it might.  It may not alter our daily lives.  But it could.  

The last year and a half has taught me to rest in God's timing.  Not to rush it.  Not to force it.  

But it is still hard to wait.

Have you ever felt just on the edge of knowing something important, while really having no idea what it is you are about to know?

(Not rhetorical.  Spill it.)

It's Your Birthday

Guess who has a birthday today???

The King!!

And La P!!

And...today it's been 6 months since The King's surgery!!

What a wonderful day!!

I am so very grateful to be able to celebrate The King today.  

I cannot even imagine what a different day this could have been... 

***

It's kind of bittersweet to think of La P's birthday.  She turns 7 today!  

But I'm afraid she doesn't know that.

And I SO thought we'd be closer to having her here by the time she was 7.

But I know that the same God who saved The King has a plan for La P.  

And His plan is good.

So...

I am so very grateful to be able to celebrate La P today.  

Even if I can't be with her.

***

Do me a favor and wish The King a very Happy Birthday!  

(Even though he won't let me take his picture...)

***

Have a great weekend!

Hope

Thanks so much for your sweet encouragement after my last post.  I was having a teeny identity crisis but it is possibly over for now.  

I think, for me, it just comes down to sharing what I feel...being ever mindful of Who I represent...and leaving it at that.  Some days are funny and some days are tough. Some days I may regret what I shared and some days I may regret what I didn't.

Thank you for helping me process all that.

Now.

I need to catch you up on a few things and wrap up a few others.

For today, let's start with La P. 

 

We received this picture of her over the summer.  She is growing up so fast!  

I cannot believe it, but it has been over a year since I've seen her live and in person. 

That absolutely breaks my heart.  

The King was able to go see her last November and again in March.  The Princess and I haven't been there since last July.  

We are really, really hoping to visit before the end of the year. 

As far as her adoption status...we are really farther back than where we were when we started.

When we began this process, we were told it was not a big deal to change her status to "adoptable", that it would be a simple court procedure.  Since then, some papers have appeared in her file that make that particular procedure a bit more difficult. Until that can be done, she is unadoptable. 

Our only hope to adopt her at this moment--and seriously that could change at any time--is due to her medical situation.  

The government is supposedly reviewing all of the orphans with medical needs and reevaluating their status.  IF her file comes across the right person's desk and IF they were to change her status to adoptable, then we can begin that process.  

Until then, we just wait.

I am so thankful for those IFs though.  It gives us something for which we can specifically pray.

It is such a complicated situation.  

If you had asked me before we met her and began this journey how I would handle it, I think that my answer would have been that I would be beating down every door between here and there and calling everyone that might be able to do something--ANYTHING--to help.  I think I would have thought that I would be unable to sleep or eat or stop until there was resolution.

While there have certainly been moments where I/we have felt and done all those things to some degree, that's not where we are right now.

Please don't misunderstand...I love that child.  God has given me this love for her. I want her to be with us.  I want her to be home.  If there was anything at all that we could do to bring her home, we would do it. 

But that's not possible right now. There is nothing that we can do.

I don't know why.  But I know Who does.  And I can rest in that. 

She is in a good place.  She is happy.  She doesn't know there is a different way to live.  We know what she's missing, but she doesn't.

But it makes me sad.  I can't even write this without crying.

I miss her.  I want her to be healthy.  I want her to be happy.  I want her to reach the full potential of who God created her to be.

Inside my head, I've been wrestling with coming to terms as to what that might mean.  

What if she is never able to come home...Did I misunderstand?  Did I fail?  Did God let me down?

I don't think I misunderstood the love that we share.  Looking back, I know without a doubt that we were brought together.  Without question I know that God placed a love for her in our hearts and a love for us in hers.  

I do think that maybe I've written the ending to the story that I want...not sure that it is really how it will end.  I mean...I'm at an orphanage.  There's an orphan that we connect with.  She needs help.  We can offer her help.  We love her.  She loves us. So we adopt her and live happily ever after.

Maybe it is some of those things but not all of those things.

I don't think I/we failed.  I know that The King especially has left no stone unturned. I can't wait to someday tell her the stories of all he has done in trying to help her. That little girl needs to know that there is a Heavenly Father that loves her and would move mountains for her and that there is an earthly father who has and would do the same.

I know that God has not let us down.  He has opened a place in our hearts to a love that we didn't think we'd ever experience.  As a family, we have grown and changed.  Personally, I've conquered fears and considered things I never thought possible.  

I do not know how this will end.  I do not know if we will ever have La P in our home.  I do not know if we will be protected from heartbreak.  

But I know that we can trust Him to be with us through it all.  And that it will be ok.

Thank you so much for continuing to ask about her.  Sometimes I want to talk about her and sometimes I just can't.  It truly thrills me to know that you still pray for her. 

Please continue to pray for her and for all of the precious kids that will someday be placed with a family.  And please pray a special blessing upon those kids, who, for whatever reason, will never be placed with a family of their own.

Lessons Learned

I have been looking forward to wrapping up The King's surgery saga by sharing a few things that have been important lessons for us.

It just so happened that one of our teaching pastors at our church asked if we would share our story this past Sunday, so we've really spent a lot of time thinking about all that the past 3 months has taught us.  

However.

At midnight on Saturday night/Sunday morning, The King began what can only be described as 18 hours of the worst stomach bug ever.  After the first round, I thought maybe he had eaten something bad.  After the 2nd round, I began to panic.  After the 3rd round, I began rewriting all that we were going to share with our church.  

I knew I was on my own.

And it was, like, the sermon part. I couldn't really bail on Sunday morning.

So...after a night of no sleep, I shared all that God has done for us with our church family.  I'm very thankful to have had the opportunity.  We feel that we need to give God the glory for every single detail that He worked out on our behalf.  

Though I'm not sure why He thought I needed to go solo...

The King is feeling better.  Not even kidding...he was 17 pounds lighter today.  It was a little scary at first because some of his symptoms were so similar to his symptoms in Colorado, but his head never hurt, so we felt that it was ok.  

We did worry just a bit that he might blow (pun intended) his little skull patch open!

I'll start with a couple of practical things that we learned.

1.  Become a member of an air ambulance service

If I could make you do anything, it would be this.  We used AirMed.  It was seriously a flying ICU room.  It is staffed with an ICU nurse and a paramedic.  However, the money had to be wired before it could be scheduled.  

Here's why I feel so strongly about the membership...the cost to hire them to pick us up and take us to Arkansas was over $21,000.  Insurance wouldn't cover it.  We are still in the appeal process, but they have at least 462 reasons why it isn't eligible.  

As a "member" of AirMed, we would have paid $385.  Seriously.  Their program costs $385 per year for a family and covers 2 trips within that year.  If you are anywhere in the world, as long as it is 150 miles from your home, they will come get you and take you to the hospital of your choice.  That simple.  They also coordinate the ambulance rides to and from both hospitals.  If you have a minor illness or injury, they'll help you find a doctor. 

I couldn't believe that I'd never heard of this type of plan.  

Now you can't use that excuse.

2.  Purchase short term disability insurance

Oh, hindsight.  It's clear, isn't it?  I always knew that short term disability insurance was an option, but never thought we'd need it.  We own our own business and I just figured we'd make it work somehow.  Well.  Throw in a rough economy and a job with a weird pay structure and you end up where we have been...no money coming in and lots going out.  

We have been ok because we've always been savers, but it is still painful to see that savings go away.  

I wish that we would have really thought through what being unable to work for 2 months would mean for our family.  

Don't blow it off like we did.

3.  Be Organized

I mentioned that Shannon told me to get a notebook on The King's first day in the hospital.  It was so helpful...especially in those first few days.  I was frazzled and it totally helped to write down anything that anyone said.  I still refer to it for information.

Also, be organized with your insurance papers and medical bills.  I have several different folders:  bills matched with insurance and nothing due; bills matched with insurance with $ due; bills without insurance; insurance without a bill; insurance appeals; bills in question.

It has been so helpful to really know where we are with each claim.  

4.  Negotiate with Medical Providers

We have a very high deductible for our family because we own our own business and insurance is so expensive.  

We have called the business office of every medical provider that we owe and all but one have settled for less money.  One even wrote off the entire bill.  

The one that wouldn't negotiate was a hospital bill for $2.75 for the privilege of using the t.v. or something.  We seriously had to send in a check for $2.75.

I'm not sure how much we will have saved, as we are still receiving bills, but it is already a significant amount.

5.  Have a person to stand in as your brain

I never knew how important this would be for me.  The first few days of our adventure, Jason was invaluable.  I thought that I was listening and heard everything the doctors or nurses said (I even wrote it in the notebook!) but he was typing the information in his phone.  He had every detail with him at all times.  His recollection was much clearer than mine.  He was also thinking more clearly than I was, so he asked better questions.  

He was also the bully for me.  I was tired and scared and overwhelmed and he did all the heavy lifting.  He made phone calls and handled logistics and did pretty much whatever I didn't want to do.  

You've got to have a person in this role who will be brutally honest.  He told me when I was overreacting and he told me when my feelings were justified.  

I also think that it is good if this person is not a family member.  The family needs to focus on the patient.  The family is usually pretty emotional.  The friend can step back just a bit and see the situation from a more factual standpoint.

I would have had a difficult time asking a family member to go get me something to eat because I would have felt that they were just as needy as I was.  

Jason and Lacey made it clear that their only purpose was to do whatever we needed them to do.  It was very helpful and we are so appreciative.

6.  Think about the stuff you don't want to think about

I was totally the person who didn't want to "go there". I didn't want to think about what if one of us got sick or hurt or worse.  I totally learned that life can change in an instant.  Deal with it.  Think about what you'd do if you or your spouse couldn't work or couldn't drive or was hospitalized for an extended time.  

You will be better prepared for an emergency and you'll appreciate life more.  It's a win/win.

7.  If you know someone going through a crisis:  don't ask, just do

I cannot tell you how much I appreciated the people who just did.  They didn't ask us to call them if we needed anything.  While I totally appreciate the people that did offer assistance in that way, I don't think I ever called anyone and asked them to do something.  It felt awkward.  I wasn't sick and could do stuff.

The people who just saw a need and met it made our lives so much easier.  I have never been that type of person.  I have always been a "let me know if we can do anything" kind of girl.  And I meant it.  I really would have done anything.  It wasn't that I didn't want to do anything...well...maybe once or twice it was that.  But usually it was that I just didn't know what to do. 

I will approach helping people in a much different way now.

I truly hope that you never have to go through anything like what we experienced. I know this was quite possibly the most boring post ever written, but I would feel irresponsible if I didn't share the things that I wish I'd thought of before we were in the situation.  

I'm gonna write one more post on the things we learned that have caused us to look at life a little differently than we did before.  I wouldn't hold your breath that it will be tomorrow.  Maybe by the end of the week...?

Thanks for reading. 

    

Spring Break 2010-Part 18

So I totally left out one of the major dramatic events that took place during the time frame of the last post.

...After my bed collapsed and I was in a heap on the floor, The King's nurse came in and said that the doctor had ordered an ultrasound first thing in the morning to look for a suspected blood clot in his leg.

I totally freaked.

(I have to tell you, I think I might have an irrational fear of blood clots.  They are so INVISIBLE.  I have to rotate my ankles every 15 minutes when riding in the car.  I'm not even kidding.)

The King had been "wearing" compression devices on his legs.  And by "wearing", I mean taking them off as soon as the nurse would leave the room. 

I had just accepted the air bubble in his head and now I was processing the blood clot.

I asked the nurse if she thought it was routine and she said, "No.  They only do them when there is a suspected blood clot".

So.  That was a major part of my previously mentioned breakdown.

The next day was much calmer.  

By the time I made it back to the hospital, Dr. K had already been in and told The King he would be able to go home the next day.

HALLELUJAH.

But really?  

Did they realize that he had major brain surgery less than 48 hours ago?

He had also already gone back for the blood clot ultrasound.  It was negative.

I so appreciated that it was ordered.  It was a potential worry that we could scratch off of the list.

The King was really antsy that day.  He was able to get up and walk down the hall. He was up and down out of his bed.  

He was really ready to get outta there.

Most all of our family and friends had returned home and it was a peaceful day.

I went back to the room early that night to pack our things and prepare to head home.

We were away from home for 17 days.

The King called early on Sunday and said that he'd already seen the doctor and was ready to go.

Soon we were in the car and on our way.  We were about 3 hours from home.

He felt a little "fuzzy" in the car (his words) because his equilibrium was a bit off.

I have never been so thankful to arrive home.  Some sweet friends met us there with a wonderful pot roast & all the veggies. Yum!

It was totally weird to see The King's truck sitting in our driveway.  It was still loaded with all of our ski gear.  That evening, the Carneys and I unloaded it all.  I was surprised at how emotional I became when unloading The King's snowboard, helmet & ski clothes.  

We often commented how thankful we were to be unloading his gear with him sitting in the living room.  

We came so close to coming home without him.

He had a lot of restrictions for the first 8 weeks.  No lifting, working, bending, climbing stairs, driving or participating in any activities that might elevate one's heart rate...

We were so blessed by our church family.  For the entire month of April and part of May, we were spoiled with wonderful meals.  Our youth group picked up rocks in our yard and weeded our flower beds.  Another family mowed our yard every week. My sweet nurse friend came over to remove his staples.  We had lots of visitors.  Many of The King's friends dropped by and brought lunch.  Errands were run.  The Princess was picked up from school.  

I will never be able to adequately thank our friends for all that they did for us.  All I know to do is pay it forward.

He has had his 8 week check up and is doing great.  His only restrictions are no heavy lifting or straining through the end of August and no contact sports for a year.

(He's counting the days until he can return to the mountain to snowboard.)

His head looks amazing.  I'll post a picture soon.  His skull has not closed completely, so when he wakes up in the morning he looks like a beluga whale.  After an hour or two, the fluid drains and he is back to "normal".

We have completely enjoyed his recovery time.  It has been beyond wonderful to spend so much time together. I think we all have a new appreciation of just being.

If you'll let me get away with another post about all this, I'd like to summarize the lessons that we have learned from this journey.  I want to document it so that I don't forget.  So.  One more time...

To be continued...

Spring Break 2010-Part 17

I truly could not take another minute of the stress.  It was as if the drama of the entire 2 weeks hit me all at once.

I roamed the hospital until I found a waiting room that was being remodeled.  There was a little hidey hole behind a wall that was not visible from the hall.  I curled up in a chair and sobbed.  

I cried and cried.  And cried.

The oxygen mask...the nurse...the family stress...I'd reached my limit.

Jason began texting me asking me where I'd gone.

I ignored him.

Then he called.  

I ignored him.

After he had texted 37 times, I finally replied that I was fine, I just needed some time.

He said he was going to go in every room in the hospital until I told him where I was.

I told him I was somewhere on the 4th floor and he was welcome to search.

I wish I had a copy of those texts, because now it would be really funny.  (If you like reading texts between 4 year olds.)

About 15 minutes later, a very exasperated Jason appeared before me.  He pretty much told me to pull myself together.  He reminded me of all that I had to be thankful for.  

Next, my friend, Amy discovered my secret hiding place.

Amy and her doctor husband were so incredibly helpful throughout this entire event. Whether it be answering questions or making phone calls...whatever I needed, they did it.

I think they knew that I was close to the edge and so they drove to Little Rock to help in any way that they could.

Amy and Jason calmed me down and I eventually went back to The King's room.  He was flat on his back with the oxygen.  

He looked at me with such concern in his eyes.  

At that moment, I realized how hard it must have been for him to watch me handle this entire ordeal.  He is my rock.  He is brave and I am a wimp.  He always handles the heavy stuff.

He suggested that I get away from the hospital for a bit and go out for dinner.  Amy's sweet husband offered to stay with him and monitor the oxygen business.

I think he just wanted to watch the NCIS marathon.

Lacey, Jason, Amy, her boys, The Princess and I went for pizza.  It felt so weird to be normal when nothing about our current situation was normal.

I left the restaurant feeling much more relaxed.

When we returned to the hospital, Amy's husband assured me that he was doing well and everything was as it should be.  They left to put the boys to bed.  I was so grateful that they were there.

Jason set up the chair/bed for me and told me to call him if I needed a break in the night.  He and Lacey took The Princess and headed to the hotel.

I wrapped up in the pink Snuggie that my mother-in-law brought me earlier in the stay. 

It was surprisingly warm.

It was very hard to communicate with The King.  The oxygen was super loud.  His face was so flushed and he felt hot.  He had 2 fans going and the room temperature set in the 50s...SO THANKFUL for the Snuggie.  

The oxygen was beginning to work and he said it felt as if his ears were popping in an airplane.  For 6 hours, his ears popped non-stop.

Eventually, he fell asleep. I settled in the chair/bed.  Just as I got comfy (totally a relative term), the chair/bed collapsed.

Like, flat on the floor.

It was broken and there was nothing that I could do to fix it.

I certainly wasn't going to call the nurse.

I sat in the broken chair and placed another chair in front of me to prop up my legs.

So not comfy.

I was freezing and exhausted.  The King was frequently waking up and asking me if I could help him cool down.

About 1 a.m., I texted Jason and asked if he could come relieve me.  He said he'd be there shortly.

But he never showed.

I waited and waited.

Never showed.

I knew they were wiped, so I assumed he'd fallen back asleep.

I sat in my pathetic bed with my rump sinking between the chairs and had another pity party.

It went on for some time.

But soon I came to this realization...I hadn't prayed all day.

I had talked to God pretty much constantly for 2 weeks and as soon as The King had a successful surgery, I stopped. 

I felt so ashamed.  I couldn't believe how quickly I began trying to make it on my own strength.

The majority of that night was spent in prayer.  I was so thankful that Jason stood me up.

I went back to the hotel about 6 a.m.  My key wouldn't work, so I texted Jason to let me in.  

He opened the door and asked if I was mad at him for not coming to the hospital.

I told him that I wasn't mad, that I'd spent the night in much needed prayer.

He smiled.  He told me that he'd gotten ready to come to the hospital and just as he'd grabbed the door to leave, he felt the Holy Spirit telling him not to go.

The feeling was so strong, he knew he had no choice.

He prayed for me and for The King and stayed put.  His obedience allowed me to have a much needed night with my Savior.

To Be Continued...

Spring Break 2010-Part 16

After resting for most of the morning, we went back to the hospital to check on The King.  

He was in good spirits and remembered very little of the previous day.  He was complaining of a headache and kept mentioning that he felt a lot of pressure in his head.  

I assumed that was, you know,  a consequence of brain surgery.  But we did tell his nurse. 

We spent time watching NCIS.

Big surprise.

Speaking of NCIS...The night of surgery, Jason was in The King's room watching NCIS and he noticed The King was crying a little.  He asked The King if he was ok and The King said, "I remember laying here last night wondering if I'd ever see a television again."

When Jason first shared that with me, I was confused just a tiny bit.  THE TV GOT TEARS OF THANKSGIVING AND THE QUEEN DID NOT...?

But then I sort of got it (aka Jason told me to get over myself and may or may not have explained all this to me).  The King had been in a hospital bed (at that point) for 12 days.  At night, when everyone had gone and he was all alone, he had so many thoughts in his mind.  A lot of "...will I ever get to (insert activity) again?" The TV was just kind of a representation of all of those thoughts.  

It was in this same conversation that Jason shared something else with me. Remember how The King and I had that horrible conversation about all that I was to do if he didn't survive the surgery?  Well.  He had that same conversation with Jason.  He gave all the info to Jason in writing because he knew that I'd be wondering if I remembered it all.  

The King also wrote an email to me and one to The Princess.  Jason was supposed to give them to us if the surgery didn't go as planned.  He gave them to me during this "discussion".  Jason wanted me to understand all that The King had been thinking as he prepared for surgery.  (The King had given him the ok to show me.)  Mine was precious and The Princess' was heartbreaking and beautiful.  I haven't shown it to her yet.  I want her to receive it when she can really grasp the depth of what was shared.  

I am just so incredibly humbled and grateful to be able to share it with her while her dad is alive and healthy.  

Back to the saga...

The King's nurse came in during the afternoon and said he would be moved to a regular room.

I kind of panicked.  He had his skull cracked the day before and we're sending him to a regular room!?!

Let's just say that we went from 24/7 care to the equivalent of a nursing home in a third world country.

He arrived in the new room with an entourage of his mom and sister, the Carneys, The Princess and me.  The room was really warm and he was still feeling the headache.

He asked if we could adjust the air.  We had the thermostat on 57.  His faced was really flushed and he was uncomfortable.  We called the nurse and told her how hot he was feeling.  

She took his temperature and said, "He's fine".

I could tell he was hurting much more than he was letting on.  

We called the nurse back in and asked if she could help us get the room cooler...maybe find a fan or something.

She pretty much blew us off.

The King grabbed his cell phone and called Dr. Krisht's nurse.  He told her he was uncomfortable and hot and needed to get the room cool.

She was there in 10 minutes.  The fan arrived 5 minutes after that. 

She went out of the room and spoke with the floor nurse.  

When she returned to The King's room, she said, "I know why you are hurting.  We just got the results from this morning's MRI and you have an air bubble in your head..."

The room began spinning for me.  I really didn't think I could take more drama.  

"...In order to get the air out, you will be on 100% oxygen for 12 hours while laying flat in the bed."

I asked her if this was a normal.  She said, "While it's unusual, it's not abnormal."

Not helpful.

She got him a massive oxygen mask thing and said she'd be back the next day.

After she left, the floor nurse returned and looked at me and said, "Did you tell her I hadn't been in here and hadn't done my job?"

At this point, it was just the Carneys and The Princess and me in the room.  I was completely shocked and appalled that she would come in and ask me that question.

I told her that we'd asked her to help us get the room comfortable for the patient and that it had seemed to be a problem.

She was very rude and said something else that was hateful and left the room.

The air bubble was almost more than I could handle and the nurse attack nearly pushed me over the edge.  

I stepped out into the hall to speak with the nurse.  I asked her if her husband had ever had brain surgery.  I explained he'd had his skull opened 24 hours ago and that I didn't know what was normal or abnormal.  I told her that I was sorry if she took our request to Dr. K's nurse personally, but my husband's health and comfort was my priority.   

We had spent 13 days in various ICUs, and I didn't realize how much I'd come to rely on the 24/7 care that provided.  It gave me such confidence...knowing that he was always being monitored.  

I went back into The King's room and saw him lying flat with the oxygen mask.  

It was too much.  

I began to lose it and left the room.

To be continued...

Spring Break 2010-Part 15

Dr. Krisht and his entourage quickly put us at ease.  

He informed us that The King's surgery went well and that he felt confident the entire cyst and its root system were removed. He said that they had woken him in the OR to make sure the important stuff was functioning properly and that everything looked great.

It felt as if I took a breath for the first time in 12 days.

I was so relieved.  So grateful.  So blessed.

Our entire group joined hands and prayed and thanked Our Father for His mercy and healing.  

He was back in the 'ole ICU room in about an hour.  

I couldn't get to him fast enough!

I leaned down and asked if he was hurting...I was still freaked out that he wouldn't be able to have any pain medicine.

He turned his head toward me and whispered, "Muy poquito".

I cracked up laughing.

All I could think about was the movie trailer for Toy Story 3 where Buzz Lightyear gets "reset" to Spanish.

I had been so worried that he wouldn't remember me or be able to speak or to see!

He did have a pretty serious headache (imagine that...) and was very nauseous.  His blood pressure was higher than it needed to be, so they gave him some medication to help lower that.  He had an arterial line in his arm that measured his blood pressure with every heartbeat.  I couldn't take my eyes off of its monitor!

I really wasn't prepared for the stress of that evening.  

I don't think I'd allowed myself to think beyond surgery.  The risks in the 12-24 hours post-op were serious and I had not even considered them.

Not to mention that he was really uncomfortable and couldn't get any relief.  

I stayed in his room all night.  The nurse told me that if I stayed, I would not be allowed to sleep/eat/drink in his room.  

He had to have neurological tests done every hour.  

The nurse asked if I would keep an eye on his blood pressure and his bleeding.  

I wanted to cry PLEASE DON'T GIVE ME ANY RESPONSIBILITIES!!!  I CAN'T SLEEP OR EAT OR DRINK!!!

All night long I stared at the monitor.  At one point the important number went way higher than it was supposed to...I freaked.  I called her in and she semi-freaked. 

Alarms started going off.

I could feel that sinking feeling coming.

She gets all the lights on and found that a cord was kinked.

Really?  

After things settled back down, I was staring at the monitor some more and noticed the important number was dropping really low.

I was worried to call her again, but I did.

She came in and his blood pressure was, in fact, getting dangerously low.  She took him off of the blood pressure medication and it started to improve.

There were a few times during the night where blood randomly started pouring from his incision.  

Most of the night, he was really out of it.  Awake, but incoherent.  Or rambling while he was half asleep.

About 3 a.m., I was feeling really shaky and weak.  I went to the nearest vending machine and bought a bottle of water and a package of Grandmother's Peanut Butter Cookies. As I entered ICU, the hateful desk nurse woman told me that I'd have to leave my bottle of water at the desk.  

I quickly stuffed the cookies in my purse and set the water down and cried.

I cried all the way to his room.

He was resting and I was so worried that I would bother him.  I tried to quietly nibble my cookies (and not choke from the dry mouth) and cry.  

He woke up and looked at me and was so sweet.  It was the first time he'd been "clear" that night.  

He asked me to come over and lay my head on his chest.  I did.  And I sobbed.

I just wanted him to be ok and out of danger.  

ICU closed to visitors from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m.  I gave the nurse my cell phone number (for the 36th time) and kissed him goodbye.  It had been such a very long night.

His mom was going to sit with him at 8, so I headed to the hotel for a nap.

To be continued...