Choices

Once again, I want to thank you for your kindness and concern.  We've been overwhelmed, humbled and strengthened by you.

Warning:  I have no idea where this post is going.  No plan.  Read at your own risk.

I feel as if I'm beginning to come out of this weird fog that I've been in for the past few weeks.

Or maybe a more accurate description would be...the world is going on so I can either move forward or be stuck here in isolation and sadness.

Moving forward it is.

I'm not sure how much I've shared about the actual situation (and I'm too lazy to go back and read my other posts right now). I feel that the information that I can share is pretty limited.  My intent is not to trash anybody.  

And really.  If I start down that road, it will be too easy to stay there.

I'll just say that my family's character, motives, intentions and beliefs have been questioned.  Actually, they weren't questioned.  

We were deemed guilty without ever being questioned.

Now before you begin thinking that we had staged an international coup, let me reassure you that everything we did, we did with integrity and honesty. 

We simply tried to follow the orders that we'd been given.

And here we are.

I think one of the hardest parts of this has been processing the choices before us.

Which really are, like, two.

We can fight or we can rest.

There is nothing that I want more than to fight for La P.  To go in and demand to be heard and explain ourselves and remind everyone involved that we only did what we were told to do.

To scream until someone will listen that we are only trying to provide a child with a family.

I want to beg and plead.

There are still a couple of opportunities we have that might possibly make a difference.

Our other option is to stop.

While that initially feels wrong, in many ways it feels right.

Let me explain...

The obvious devastation of this entire situation is the loss of having La P in our lives. But there is also a lot of pain in this entire journey ending in such a way.

Those of you who have joined with me from the initial realization that I was going to have to go on this stinkin' trip to Guatemala through the preparation and fear know what I'm talking about.

This journey defined the last year of my life.  God took me to a place that I never thought I could go (both literally and figuratively) to show me His love and mercy and grace and comfort.  Fears were conquered.  My life was changed.

For someone to question my heart after it has been so radically transformed is very hurtful.  

I mean, they should have seen me before. 

It is as if all that I learned was in vain.

Or maybe not...

I learned that God can work any time in any way.  I learned that He is all I need.  I learned that His love for me and protection over me is greater than anything that I could fathom.

I learned that He is the giver of all good things.

I remember writing that being terrified in His will is better than being comfortable out of it.

If I really believe all of that...not just as words that I write...then how can I not believe that He is all I need in this situation?

Am I making any sense?  

If we attempt to fight this fight with the options that are currently at our disposal, things will get a little ugly.  

I'm not sure that is a very good example of what we've learned.  In fact, it might even justify the actions that other parties have taken.  

And it would sort of seem like we're saying, "since God didn't work all this out, we're gonna step in and fix it".  

Done that one before.  Not a good outcome.

If we rest, if we wait upon the Lord, I know He will open doors.  It feels a little unnatural.  A little lazy or unconcerned.  

But I think it is the road to which He's been leading us.  

God loves La P even more that we do.  He wants her to live the most abundant life possible.  If it is with us, we will praise Him.

If it is not, we will still praise Him.

This is just part of the journey.  Not the end.  

The Princess asked me when we are going to get back to normal.

What is normal?

Currently, I have no idea, but I'm going to try and find it.  Bear with me.

It feels wacky to write about hair and houses and pets and all the crazy when La P has been sentenced to life in an orphanage.

This has been a struggle for me for the past 10 months, but it seems especially weird now.

I don't want to lose who I am.  I need to be me for The Princess and The King.  And for me.

I'll give it a whirl.  

(Tune in next week for senseless rambling.)

Comments

[Lesa]

Thanks for sharing your journey and heart. I have had a very difficult day. Shed more tears than I thought possible. Your words have offered me encouragement and hope. Thanks again for sharing.

[Kellyn]

I have you in my prayers everyday. I can't even imagine the struggle you are feeling right now, but know that we are here for you, to listen pray and whatever else we can do for you!!

[Anna Cotton]

I've been lurking and praying for LaP.

It's funny how life changes your perspective. (I'm speaking from experience.)

Life will continue, and you will never be the person you were before you met LaP.

You are a much richer person for knowing La P.

I'm still praying for you and your family, esp. La P. I pray that even if you aren't able to adopt her, that she won't be sentenced to an orphanage for the rest of her life and that she'll get the medical attention she needs.

[Julie]

Oh, sweety, I wish I could tell you that it will get better soon, but it takes time. It takes time to get back to normal- back to "before". This has been an amazing year, and you have grown in so many ways, especially your faith. But you are right; the Princess and the King need their Queeny back.
And, to be honest, we all need you back too.
I wish you much strength and many blessings.

[Mrs. Oh]

*sigh*
I know that God will guide you on this journey - even if you take a step to the left of what his plan is he will still be there working his miracles. Sometimes God wants you to fight though; sort of our Queen B David versus the legal system/orphanage Goliath.

I also was thinking that while La P (and I love that you used my nickname for her) is young, if she has to stay in the orphange - what can you do when she turns 18 if anything? Sometimes parenting is even more important when the kids are grown....anyways...it was just a thought.

[Les]

Bless your heart. I've been reading since you went to Guatemala, I've never commented, but this story has just torn me apart. I think of and pray for you and your family and La P often. But. I know sometimes prayers are answered--just not in the way we hope they will be. I believe that God will have La P with you if she's meant to be there. I believe it may be soon, or it may be when she's an adult and finds her own way back to you. It'll just happen. It will.

In the meantime, keep the Faith. And do what you and your family feel is right for YOU.

Thinking of you,
~Les

[Kelly @ Love Well]

It must feel like a lose-lose sometimes.

But I believe it's really a win-win, because God is involved.

I have no advice. Just prayers, B. Prayers aplenty.

[Hannah]

Still praying for you and the Palace. God has a plan even through all of this, and our letting go of a situation is only a chance for God to step in and show His power. I have been reading since before y'all went to Guatemala, and I think it's incredible reading what you've learned in these past months. You're in my thoughts and prayers, sister.

[frantically heidi]

My prayers are with you.

[Molly]

Like others have said, your whole family have been in my prayers since you started this Journey.

I think this is an amazing story to which the end has not yet been written.

Keep on, keepin' on sister.
Some days, it is all we can do

[WooPigSuzy]

You're in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there.

[Heather]

Praying for you and La P. It can be so hard to let go and let God do things. I know exactly what you mean about it feeling almost wrong to sit back and allow God to work.

[jean]

Wouldn't it be so much easier if God would just send you an email or text message with His plan and your role in it? It would be, but that's not how He works. I will continue to pray that you and everyone involved will be able to help God's plan be revealed.

[Jen]

Have you ever heard this? "Birth of a vision, death of a vision, supernatural fulfillment of a vision." My husband has quoted that to me a lot, over the years. It doesn't take the emotion away, but it does give you hope. I'm with you -- going down that "I'll just take control and make it happen" road is never a good idea.

Patience may be a virtue but it's pretty danged hard to do. The great thing is you will be the most content in whatever situation God ultimately works out. That always comforted me -- I hope it comforts you.
xoxoxox

[Sue T]

The lady who leads the bible study I go to talks a lot about being "real" and how God needs real people to work through, not perfect phonies. You are very real and honest so I just know He will keep working through you. Praying so hard for all. x x

[mimi2seven]

God's wisdom oozes all through this post. He has taught you, and you have learned from Him. He will see this through to the end He has planned, and I applaud you and praise Him for how you are handling it. I am so proud of you and so awed by the beautiful work He has done in your heart. I still pray.

[Erin]

Praying for you guys....

[Michelle]

I. Love. You.

[Melanie]

Amen.

[amy]

Prayers. In a very strange way, I know how you feel. Two years ago it seemed God was opening doors after years of fighting for custody of my husband's daughter. We. were. so. close. But, God's plan was not what we thought. We were devastated and questioning God. But, we knew that was not the answer. We listened to God. We stopped fighting. People thought we were crazy. People thought we had "given up." People thought we were "bad parents" for "abandoning." Now, two yers later, everything makes sense. God knew all along that it would be okay. His plan was perfect. Prayers to you and yours that you make it to the other side of this painful journey.

[justanotherdayinparadise]

Something mentioned by our youth pastor yesterday:

Faith is knowing God will work it out.

Trust is not knowing it will work out, knowing God could work it out, but not knowing if he'll work it out MY way. (My first thought was Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego being thrown into the fiery furnace. . .)

May you have trust and faith in your journey. May God lead you and direct you in His will.

(You made perfect sense to me. I don't believe he led you here for naught. I have no advice, but no matter what, you've been touched by and touched a very special girl's life.)

[Kelly]

Thank you for continuing to share your journey. I'm sorry the road seems so rough just now. I wish you peace in your pursuit of finding "normal" again. p.s. I think we all understand your thoughts about blogging about the mundane when the world around you seems to be crumbling - but, life at the castle must go on & I, for one, look forward to hearing about it.

[Erin K.]

You know, I think our culture tends to value action. There is the idea that if things aren't the way I want them, then I need to ACT on it; take control, be in the driver's seat, don't let anyone else push me around.

And then, there is "Be still and know that I am God."

As I read your post I was reminded of a favorite verse from Exodus 14. This is when God has led the Children of Israel out of Egypt and into the desert, and now the army of Pharaoh is after them. To the Israelites, it looked as though God brought them to the desert and trapped them between the Red Sea and Pharaoh's army. They started complaining to Moses - "Was it because there are no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die?" Basically, this is a no-win situation and we don't see how in the world we're going to get out of it alive.

Moses' response was, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." (Exodus 14:13-14)

I'm not sure what God is up to in your situation, but I know he is fighting for you, and fighting for La P. Maybe it won't end in a way that brings her into your family, but I know that God loves all of you and cares for all of you, and is working all things for your good.

Praying for you and the entire palace as you get back to "normal," and that God will guide you each step of the way.

[Tonggu Momma]

I will be praying. I know God will heal all of your hearts, although how He'll do it, I do not know. But I know He will. I just... I don't have any other words. I'm so sorry.

[Headless Mom]

I hate this for you. Know that I still have my bracelet and am still praying for you guys. I know this has to be the most difficult thing ever (understatement!) but know that you are not walking through it alone.