Grief

Words cannot begin to express how overwhelmed we have been by your sweet comments and emails.  

Thank you.  

I don't want to be a whiner, but if we are going to see this journey through to the end, I am pretty much going to lay it all out there.  The good & the bad.

Right now I'm deep in the bad.

This is such a strange grieving process.

The only thing that I can compare it to are the miscarriages that I had before The Princess was born.  

The loss of each of those babies was so real to me.  To the rest of the world, they weren't exactly real. I wasn't pregnant enough to have a belly.  There wasn't a nursery that had to be undone.  There was no funeral.

It was just over.

The King and I grieved differently.  I mourned the loss of the lives of those children. I mourned the loss of life inside of me.

The King grieved for the loss, but mostly he grieved for me.  Because there was not a life for him to feel or see, it was hard for him to feel the depth of the loss.

And, because he's a guy, if he can't fix it, he can't think about it.

(That was a huge generalization.)

(Well, it was.)

(But it's kinda true.)

The loss of La P feels the same to me.

She was never here.  Most of my family and friends have never met her.  

But she was so real to us.

The depth of this loss is overwhelming, but it is in our hearts.  We've nothing to pack up or put away.  

I run into friends in the grocery store who never knew of her at all.

Yesterday, I wanted to stay in bed all day.

The King made me get up.

If I see one more video of Haiti parents uniting with their adoptive children, I'm going to scream.

I wanted that.

I wanted to have that moment of introducing her to everyone.  

To wake her up in her very own room.

(Who am I kidding...she'd so be in The Princess' room.)

I wanted to share the amazing story of what God had done.  Wouldn't it have been great?  

Instead, there is another story to share.  

One of answered prayers that didn't go our way.  Of remaining faithful through disappointment.  Of struggling.

I like the original version better.

This is not easy.  It feels weird.  Almost pretend.  

What am I grieving? 

The loss of what could have been?

Here's where I'm finding hope...if those babies had been born, it is very unlikely that I would have The Princess.  

And I cannot imagine life without her in it.

While I struggled to find the purpose of the miscarriages, I never doubted God's love or His plan.

I didn't like it.  But I accepted it.

Looking back, I still don't know the "purpose", but I know that The Princess healed my heart.

(As she is now.)

When some time has passed, I know that we'll be able to look back and see a bigger picture.  I know that we will experience healing.

But today, it still hurts.

Comments

[Jennie]

Queen B, your honesty is so beautiful. My heart breaks with yours. I have experienced miscarriage as well and always get angry at the alone-ness of it, the way it often feels that you are the only one really suffering and grieving. I am amazed at how you wrote your very true feelings here. I think a lot of us still keep some part of ourselves separate from the ole' blog, but you have spilled your heart here. And what a blessing that is to your readers. I am so sorry you are going through this, but I rejoice in your faithfulness and will continue to keep your family, including La P, in my prayers. She knows that she is loved by you!

[Amy]

I'm so sorry for what you are experiencing. I'll continue to remember you, your family, and LaP in my prayers.

[Beachy Mimi]

If I could take this pain away...I would. I can't even totally grasp the depth of your suffering. I know when the miscarriages occured, how we all grieved for you and The King, and for the babies we would never hold. Then came The Princess.
She made everything alright with her "sparkly personality". I don't think this situation is over. La P is still there. You are still here. And, most importantly, God is looking out for all of us The orphanage man is blinded by evil right now...we need to pray that his eyes be opened. This could be God's plan for a tryly miraculous ending. Your faithfulness is an inspiration and a blessing to me and to your readers. I love you so much. I am praying right along with you.

[Kelly @ Love Well]

Totally understandable. Completely normal.

Doesn't make it any easier.

Praying God's comfort in your grief and trust in your doubt.

I'm still so very sorry.

[Dawn W]

Along with many others, I'm wishing I had something to say that would help. I will continue to pray for you, your family and La P. God's plan is infinitely better than anything we can imagine!

[just me]

I didn't comment on your last post... not because I wasn't thinking of you or because I didn't want to support you... because I was so humbled by your take on it. On how God has a plan and all of that.

Because I'm PISSED. I'm so mad for you! I'm mad at the bureaucracy that has you in this situation. I'm mad at everyone involved who is keeping La P from the wonderful life she would have with your loving family. I'm JUST SO MAD.

I'm sorry if that's not helpful. But I am.

I had a miscarriage myself in September (after a year of infertility treatments). I also grieved. I knew that, when we finally have a baby, it will be worth it. I realized that it is likely the baby that I miscarried had a genetic issue. (Recent testing confirms that was likely.) And, while I don't always believe in God and I don't believe "everything happens for a reason" I do truly believe that good things come from bad.

But I was still sad.

And I was ANGRY.

Who am I kidding? I'm still angry...

So while we don't know what is in store for you or for La P down the line, right now, I'm really, really angry for you and the King and Princess and for La P.

Thinking of you and sending cyber-hugs.

[Diane]

How I hurt with you. I don't understand, either, and that just makes me angry...or sad. I don't even know which one.
But I love you from far away, and I'll pray for you from way over here.
Thank you for showing your belief if God's ways and God's plans, even though.

[Heather]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now. I think you were right when you said that you are grieving for what might have been. I'm keeping your family and La P in my prayers. Sometimes it really stinks that we can't see into the future.

[PeepOne]

B, I truely don't know what to say. You know
I love you and your family. I am so sorry.
Faith will get you through, I know that for
a fact. Big hugs to the palace.

[Barbara Anderson]

I have lurked here for at least a couple of years . I prayed for you to have enough courage to get on the phone to go to Guatamala and that you would see and love the beauty of that country -- and suspected before you revealed it, that there was something special happening with La Princesa. I don't understand why this is happening, but I continue to pray for you and your family, including La Princesa - for her to be able to come for the medical procedure and for the adoption to go through -- but most of all, that the Lord will give you strength for whatever happens and peace in the process.

[Sue Barnes]

In your greatest sorrow, God works His greatest miracles...

I'm still praying...

[Mrs. Oh]

Weird little world we live in. I don't know you nor you me. I have made a few comments here and there and yet...I have laughed with you and now I cry with you. The miscarriages did me in. Having suffered through 3 myself - I found a common ground in what you are going through. After the last miscarriage though, the next pregnancy stuck and stuck but good with twins. I don't know what God is planning, thinking, doing...but I know he is going to do the best thing for all involved. He better. Cuz he doesn't want to have to answer to me anymore ;) HUGS

[Tammy]

I cannot begin to feel the pain that you have and are feeling now. But I know my God is big and he has great plans for you and LaP. It's so hard to understand God's timing and plan, but know that people are praying for you. I pray you feel God's presence and comfort and that His strength will get you through each day.

Continuing in prayer.....

[Amy @ By His Grace]

I wish I was there with you right now to hug you and grieve with you. Know that Husband and I pray for you guys daily and trust in God's hand in all of this. We love you guys so very much. Know that it is ok to hurt...God will comfort.

[Erin]

I don't know what to say other than I am praying for you all....I know how much it hurts.

[jen]

I'm mad too. I don't understand it but your faith is an inspiration to me and many others. I am confident that you will find an answer "why" at some point down the road and God WILL show you his direction... that I'm sure of. I want to say, "Keep fighting!" But I know, I haven't been there and I don't know all the details but I am curious... can you contact the last judge? WHY has the orphanage had a change of heart? Can the King go there and speak to anyone in person? I'm not saying that you haven't tried absolutely everything and that you haven't give it more than most people ever could have... I'm just wondering with absolute curiosity WHERE these people are coming from. I just don't get it.... as I'm sure you don't either. Can we do anything from cyberspace, besides pray? Write letters on your behalf? Let us know if we can. Sending hugs and prayers!

[Headless Mom]

If my heart is shattered I can't imagine how you are feeling.

The one thing that I know is that it is ok to be mad at God. Just remember to talk to Him about it-it will strengthen your relationship. He knows your hurt, and he alone can heal it.

Love you lots, friend.

[rrmama]

I know this was very hard for you to write. I hope you find healing in it. The waiting and not finding the answers your heart so desperately wanted just down right sucks, for lack of a better word. Know I am thinking of you, praying for you and hurting with you. But you know as well as I do that God can do what He says He can do. God is who He says He is. And You can do all things through Christ. He is strengthening you! For what only he know and you must have faith for that fight. He is building character in you. And yes my friend one day you will look back at this and say I made it!!! With God I made it!!! Much love to you and the palace!!

[mimi2seven]

Our hearts and prayers are with you guys. You have every reason to be grieving.....this is a loss that is very real and very hard. It breaks my heart for you. Your faith, though, shines through your grief, and you are honoring our Lord in it. We don't know exactly what He is doing with all of this.....but He does have a plan in it, and He will be faithful. And His heart is blessed by your trust in Him even when it hurts.

[Tracy]

Thank you for sharing your heart and being so open & honest with your readers. Praying for your family & LaP today. God has a plan for ALL of you and you will have His story to share in His timing. May he bless you all with comfort & peace during this difficult time. You are loved!

[Fuschia]

I think I'm going to have to send you a private email...
But for now, know I am hurting with you, you are not alone, and GOD LOVES YOU!!!

[Mari Taylor]

If I type too much I will start to cry. I am so very very sad for you. But I applaud your faith and trust in God, no matter His answer. It's always easier to trust when the answer is what you envisioned. Know that I am praying for you, King and Princess. May God's peace and healing settle on you.

[Katy]

:(

That's all I've got.

[Cary]

My heart broke in half because yours broke in half...........
You must have courage to make it through this no matter what the outcome.

You have Faith and Faith will bring you that courage. Stay on course and know that prayers are swirling all around you.

[Helene]

I'm so sorry! Is there really no hope? No chance they will change their minds if they realize how wanted and loved she is?