What I Learned

I hoped to write one big post about all that I saw and felt and learned while in Guatemala.  I wanted to wrap it up, tie a bow on it and be done.

For your sake, mostly.

I know there is only so much of Queen B's Mission Adventure that a person should have to endure.

But I can't seem to sum it up in a neat and tidy way.  If I try, I'm afraid my rambling will not share the importance of all that I found.

So I'll just start and see where it goes.

I'm thinking that you all had a pretty good understanding of the depth of my fear.  I really, really, really didn't want to go.  I really, really, really didn't think I would come back.

I'm so not making that up.

My particular kind of crazy rationalized that my house took so long to sell and the closing for the land that we purchased was delayed for one reason...we weren't going to be around.  I scheduled nothing past the trip.  Though it is now filling up, my calendar was empty after March 20.

Ridiculous, huh?

So much time, energy and emotion went into the planning of this trip.  I just didn't understand why.

I teased about it, but I really was mad at The King for making me go.  I prayed for a roadblock.

The night before we left, I begged God for the stomach virus.

I agonized through every detail of the preparation.  I had no expectation of God blessing me on this trip.

I had been hateful and frustrated and unkind and anxious.  I didn't want to go.

I think I might have even said, "I don't want to touch the kids" in a post or two.

God would never bless that attitude.

When the stomach virus failed to materialize on the morning of the trip, I knew my only option was to suck it up and endure.

I told my mom I just wanted to get there, get it over with and get back.

I needed to check the Mission Trip box off of my (husband's) life list.

Here is Lesson #1:  God's grace covers bad attitudes.

I've always felt that I have done nothing to deserve God's blessing.  I'm an average Christian at best.  Surely God only heaps blessing upon those who really do the good stuff.

Um.  Hello?  Isn't that what grace is all about?  Do any of us deserve God's blessing?

I think not.

It may not come as a big surprise to you, but I have spent years making the inner workings of God all about me.

I know better than that.  But I've done it nonetheless.

Thinking poorly of yourself is just as bad as thinking highly of yourself....in both cases, you are thinking of YOURSELF.

God absolutely knocked my socks off on this trip.  He heaped blessing after blessing upon my sorry, thirsty soul.

I did nothing to deserve it.

I just obeyed.  I knew I had to go.  I didn't want to.  I didn't like it.  I didn't think it would be worth it.

But I went.

(Before you start thinking "she thinks she's all that" for being obedient, let me say this:  If God had offered me the SLIGHTEST way out, I'd have taken it in a heartbeat.)

Thankfully, my fear of God was way bigger than my fear of flying, guerilla warfare & earthquakes.

I never expected that He would remove those fears.

I'll wrap up by saying this...I have lived in a pretty much constant state of fear and anxiety for years.

YEARS.

All of the things that I'm afraid of went with me to Guatemala.

But I came home without them.

I never thought it possible.  A humongous weight is off of me.  One that I didn't even realize I'd carried.

That is not to say fear and doubt won't reappear...I'm a sinner in a sinful world...but I now have the knowledge and experience of living without them.  

And I never want to carry that weight again.

I will try to be more specific next time.  I want to get into the details of how these lessons were learned.  I'm still wrapping my brain around it.

Also, I really do ask for your patience as I share about the trip.  

I promise I'll go back to the pointless and nutty at some point. 

I just really feel that it is my responsibility to share what God has done for me.  Even if only one of you gets something out of it, then it is worth the agonizing pain that the rest of you must endure.  

Well, it is.

And if you'll hang with me for a few more posts, there is a big surprise at the end of the story.

Comments

[Tracy]

Don't feel bad for sharing your experience! Personally, I love reading stories of how God works in the lives of His people! :)
Can't wait to hear the big surprise at the end of the story (you didn't sneak that precious girl home in your bag did you?!).

[Capri Kel]

These are the stories I have been waiting for! He's a BIG capital G God, isn't HE?

[karen]

Um...even if you didn't write another thing, the God's Grace covers bad attitudes thing pretty much nailed me between the eyes. Glad you are home safely and rejoicing with you over His marvelous grace!

[Kellyn]

I am so excited to see and hear about what you learned. There are so many lessons to be had at every turn.

And I like Tracy's idea of suprise...how adorable was she!

[Joan]

What is the purpose of anything in this life if not to give God glory for all that He has done? Don't feel that the world doesn't want to see where God is working. The world NEEDS to see that God is alive and working. As a Christian, I'm drawn to where God is working. So give God the glory and make the most of this experience. It is truly a once in a lifetime event, so work it out and fill us in.

If you went and weren't changed by the experience, I would have been a little disappointed.

Blessings

[rrmama]

I knew God would work big, huge in you life! Waiting and listening for all you have to share!

[Debbie]

Waiting and listening for all you have to share!
Joan (above)said it just right!

[Diane]

Dear Jonah,
Good job on being obedient. One of the best posts you have ever written. I'm sure you will have years worth of stuff to say about this trip, so no hurry.

[Kristy]

This was such an amazing post and so relevant to my life in so many ways. I can't wait to hear/read about the rest of the trip but more so how it affected you and what you learned from it.

The line you write about "thinking poorly/highly of yourself both just mean you're thinking about yourself" is going to become an inspirational quote that I will be framing and hanging on my bathroom mirror! I'm sure it will help me to suck out some of that hot air while I'm blow drying my hair in the mornings!

If you're only mission was to touch one person with this, then I'd say you've over achieved based on some of the comments I've read thus far and the fact that I've also been touched by it.

Do not ever apologize for wanting to make the world a better place or for sharing YOUR experiences on YOUR blog!! We all check in for many different reasons but one of them that we all have in common is that we want/need/like to hear about you and what you have to say...so say it, girlfriend!!!

[Dawn W]

"All of the things that I'm afraid of went with me to Guatemala. But I came home without them."

AMEN AND AMEN!!!

One of the Beth Moore Bible studies deals without thinking highly/poorly of yourself is very similar. Interesting that we usually don't see it that way, isn't it?

Can hardly wait to hear more!

Blessings!

[Beth]

I am so ready to hear about your trip. And every step it took for you to really "be" there. This is a lesson for many, you endured for us. Thank you for sharing.

[Jennifer]

Queen- You can't leave us hanging like that!!! Glad you guys are back and safe. Look forward to reading about the trip. Love.

[Jennifer]

We love hearing about it.... so keep going!

I love this post! It's great! I love what you have said so far! VERY inspiring!

Smiles,
Jen

[Headless Mom]

You have me in tears.

Our God is so good.

So, so good.

I don't know what else to say, really.

[Mrs. Oh]

Trite as it sounds the hardest lesson to learn is to Let Go and Let God. Sounds like you did just that! :)

[Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba)]

I TOLD you I was expecting something big. And "big" is what you got. :)

[Sandy]

I, for one, want to hear every detail and I don't care how long it takes. Glad to hear that you're home safe and sound...and free.

[Tiera]

Oh, I'm so hanging on each word and will be excited with each new posting!! My story starts several years back. I'll try to make it quick... I was happily working as a church secretary in a very missions minded church. I loved my job for the first time in my life. My dh felt it was time to move (for the third time in our marriage) back to his hometown. The 1st two experience were such that when he announced this news, I laughed and said, yeah sure...

After three years of debating and then waiting to have the money, we moved. The last few months leading into the move were difficult to say the least. Friends kept asking why, and are you sure and I could only answer, no I'm not sure about this, I don't want to do this. But I must stand by my husbands side and support him, so, here I am, in Southeast MO. Helping to take care of my m-i-l and trying to do ministry work while working full time. It's not what I want to be doing, but there are blessings along the way. Thanks so much for sharing about your trip.

[Jenna]

I love reading about your experiences, and appreciate your openness and honesty very much. Count me as "getting something out of it!"

[lisa@take90west]

You are different; lighter... I can hear it in your voice.
You put your head down to go, do your time, and get it over worth and God had other plans, this I know!
Proud of you!

[Lacey]

Life is one huge experience, but we only change if we open our hearts to what it brings.

[Other Mother]

"Thinking poorly of yourself is just as bad as thinking highly of yourself....in both cases, you are thinking of YOURSELF."

That, alone, is a priceless thought, even if you never wrote anything else.

[Lindsay @ bytesofmemory]

What an amazing experience you had! I look forward to hearing all about your experience there!

[Kristen@nosmallthing]

I can't wait to hear all about it. I watched the slide show...loved the picture of you in your sunday skirt for church. :)

The children are beautiful, and the pictures break my heart...to know that so many children need so much.

I can't wait to hear the big news. I wonder if it's what I'm thinking it is...

[Tonggu Momma]

Oh, sweetie, you could ramble all month about your trip and I will feel forever blessed. If we pretend that you traveled to China instead... and that it was in 2004 instead of last week... then you cared for my daughter. And I am so glad your fears lifted. You might also find that money - money ain't all that important anymore either. The husband and I returned changed people.