The Queen B

Thoughts on The Empty Nest

We’ve been Empty Nesting for 6 months.  

Being the parent of one child, a daughter, I can say that my expectation of her leaving home was basic tragedy. I mentally prepared for my undoing.

It did not seem right to be an empty nester at 42 years old.

***

My parents divorced after 35 years of marriage.

I am an only child and have delightful memories of childhood.   We moved a lot. My dad was a high school football coach and every 3 years we left in search of a larger school or a new challenge.

They were young when I was born.

Like, there’s a picture of me cheering for my dad in his college yearbook.

Our life was an adventure and I loved it.

I cannot exaggerate what a surprise their divorce was to me and to those who knew them.

The details are not mine to tell. But if their relationship could fall apart after 35 years, then my marriage was no longer safe.

***

I often look at parents of multiple kids with awe. I don’t know how everything gets done. I don’t know how schedules are managed. I don’t know how you stay on top of the details. I also don’t know how you feed them.

I often look at parents of multiple kids with envy. When one leaves the nest, you cannot completely fall to pieces because there are others that have to be parented.

I prepared to be in pieces.

***

We enjoyed raising our daughter so much. The fun times and the frustrating times. The moments of pride and the moments of tears.

Always knowing that it was only for a season.

***

There are really cool things about having a grown up child.

Conversations are good. Even (maybe especially?) the ones that challenge.

Time spent is appreciated. I am savoring every morsel of quick meals and weekends home.

For the first time in my parenting life, I am ridiculously grateful for texting.

There is freedom and joy in watching them become who they are.

***

Investing in your marriage pays off.

True confession: We didn’t do date nights. Y’all. We’ve never been on a trip by ourselves.

But we talked. And we listened. And, when necessary, we course corrected.

Our investment has been a little bit every day and never a big deposit at one time.

So now we are getting to do the things we’ve never done.

I guess every night is kind of a date night.

We are finding things that we enjoy. Even if it is just a new *Netflix series.

***

We are only 6 months in, but here’s what we’ve found to be true.

If you let go a little, they’ll want to come back. If you hang on tight, they’ll do what it takes to create distance.

***

When your kids are little, don’t wish the days away. They will be memories way too soon.

But when your kids are big, don’t fear what’s ahead.

Your job is to raise them, not to keep them.

***

This is not a tragedy and we are not in pieces.

It is just the new season.

 

 

*Watched To Date:

The 100

The West Wing

Gilmores (Do not watch until after you are at peace with your daughter leaving)

Hart of Dixie (I watched in headphones while he made spreadsheets or something)

Suits

Justified (He watched in headphones while I read)

Madame Secretary

 

Lemonade

My husband read my last post and said it was sad.

Y'all. I'm not sad.  I just wanted to explain why I have been quiet.  And to let you know that I understand that sometimes life is not so very much fun.

Why do we listen to the lie that life is supposed to be perfect and good things always happen and if we just work hard enough and long enough things will turn out as we planned?

Life maybe didn't go the way I planned, but it has turned out just how The Lord planned. 

I want to share a few things that have given me life and hope and joy. 

Obviously, Jesus.  Always.  The Word...His Words...that you've hidden in your heart will be there when you don't know what to pray and when you don't even want to pray.  I cannot even tell you how many nights I've gone to sleep meditating on scripture that I didn't even know I knew.  

Counseling.  Y'all.  It's for real.  I think it is the best thing I have ever done for myself.  It feels luxurious to be able to talk about yourself and your thoughts and feelings to someone who has to listen to you.

Rest.  I have stepped out of a lot of things so that I could be quiet and rest.  And I don't feel guilty about it at all.  Welcome to your 40s, girls.

Books.  I have read a ridiculous amount of books.  I'll tell you more about some of my favorites later.  But you need to go right now and check out this book.  I have read it 3 times.  

Walking.  There is something so therapeutic about getting outside and breathing fresh air and sweating.  I always feel better.

Food.  Just paying attention to what I eat and how it makes me feel.  

An Occasional Netflix Binge.  Sometimes you just have to know when to shut it all down.

Your People.  Find the few people who can handle your stuff.  And then listen more than you talk.  Being a good friend to someone else will make you feel so much better than monopolizing the relationship to be all about your mess.

That's it for now.  Those are all obvious things, but they have kept me going.  And let me say again.  I am not sad.  I am happy.  But more than just being happy, I am at peace and have joy and hope.  

And that is my prayer for you. 

 

 

 

Where I've Been

It's been a long 6 years.  

I have had many things to say, but it never felt quite right to say them.  

***

Not long after my husband's brain surgery, we found out that the adoption we so desperately wanted was not going to happen.  The circumstances were so out of our control.  Yet I knew they were not out of God's.  And I believed that it would come to be.  That God would supernaturally intervene and change the hearts of those who could do something about it.  The sweet girl that you prayed for is now 13.  We don't have any contact with her, but she is always in my thoughts.  

In the middle of that, the business that we had grown and nurtured had to file Chapter 11 bankruptcy.  And it felt so personal.  And mean.  And ugly.  And sad.  And it took 6 years to settle.  And we had to sell the house that we had built and loved. 

But God has been faithful.  And I've always been at peace.  

I can say without hesitation that I am thankful for it all.  

***

Our sweet girl has gone to college!  We are fresh into this empty nesting thing.  It is a big change.  But it is good.  I remind myself often that raising our babies to leave is the point of the parenting thing.  

***

I'd love to hear updates from anyone who might be reading.  

I have zero expectations that anyone is reading. Blogs aren't the same and I've started/stopped 317 times.  

And it's been actual years.  

***

But for the one of you who might find me, how are you???

 

Here We Go

My daughter began her senior year of high school this week.  

My only daughter.  

My only child.

Years ago, I blogged about having one child.  I remember writing about how her graduation would render us empty nesters. That seemed so far away.

IT WASN'T.

I am just beginning to process what it means and how it feels.  Here's what I know so far:

I want to be present every second.  I want to savor this year.

I want to be joyful. Does anyone want to be around a miserable mother all year?  I think not.  

I want to be grateful. There are so many parents who would love to be sitting in my seat.  My happy & healthy daughter leaving home to go to college is not a tragedy.  It is a blessing.  

I want to continue building my marriage. It would be super easy to focus on her to the extreme this year.  I want to plan & look forward to the years ahead with my guy.

I do not want my daughter to feel guilt. She is doing what we prayed for her to do and raised her to do.  To make this year all about my sadness would be a disservice to her.

There is a lot of change on the horizon.  For her and for me.  I can't stop it from happening, but I can choose how I handle it.  

(Also.  Remind me of this next May.)

Here's to a great year.

Being a Better Friend

Recently, I had a conversation with a friend who feels that she occasionally comes across a little too strong.  One thing that she said has stuck with me.

"I am very rarely offended, so I don't often think about my words offending."

Let me add that she is not in any way a mean-spirited person. 

But her comment has me thinking.  Which of my quirky traits do I put onto my friendships with others?    

Example:  I am an only child and an introvert.  I think that I am a friendly introvert and I do love to be around people.  

But only when I want to be around people.  

Because of my personality, I tend to assume that others need/want a lot of alone time too. I don't like to "bother" people unless we need to talk about something.  

Some of my best friends are total extroverts.  They need to be around people all the time.  Checking in and spending time is their love language.  

This breeds the real possibility of conflict.  

One shows love by giving people space and the other shows love by limiting space.

I am absolutely positive that I have hurt the feelings of people I love because I often withdraw to recharge.  

But if I don't recharge, I can't function well.  

CONFLICT.

Both people are being who they are.  Neither is doing anything wrong. But still. Conflict.

Friendships require so much grace.  All relationships require so much grace.  

We all know that compromise and honest communication are necessary for healthy relationships.  I think this is especially true of girl friends.

My close friends know me.  They know my heart.  I have one who often checks in to see if anything is wrong or if I am just charging my batteries.  

She shows me that true friendship is recognizing the needs of your friend and adapting to those needs.

She shows me that I need to give time when I would rather hibernate.  

How do you navigate relationships with those who are different from you?

 

 

 

I Need Sleep

For months, I have been on the search for a cream/concealer to hide the ridiculous dark circles that are now a permanent feature under my eyes.   

I've tried them all. 

I have spent way too much money.

I have tried allergy medicines.  And eye drops.  

I've slept with a thingy over my eyes.

Nothing has worked.

But then.

My husband gave me a FitBit for my birthday.

(I am a tiny bit addicted to the step counting.  I can't sit.  Must be stepping.)

Beyond the stepping, the FitBit tracks sleeping.

Which I am not.

I didn't know I wasn't.  I mean, I knew I wasn't waking up refreshed and energetic, but I didn't know how bad it was.

Since I began wearing the FitBit, I haven't slept more than 4 hours.  And my longest stretch of sleep has been 42 minutes.

 

There is no amount of cream/concealer that is going to fix that.

I have tried over-the-counter meds.  No.

I have tried diffusing essential oils.  No.

I have stopped screens before bed.  No.

I have stopped caffeine at noon.  No.

I have tried a hot bath with lavendar.  No.

And now I am not sleeping because I am worried about not sleeping.

Please.  Someone tell me what to do.

 

If You Need Me...

It's cold. 

Like, single digit cold.

Unless I'm snowed in, I need sunshine and warmth.

And evidently, it's cold everywhere.  The news said that Hawaii was record breaking cold.

Which would totally stink if you were vacationing in Hawaii this week.

Never mind.  Nothing would stink about vacationing in Hawaii.

I thought I'd share my favorite shows to binge watch so that you can be warm and toasty and entertained.

Right now, I am loving The Good Wife.  

Oh my word.  Julianna Margulies.

I NEED TO KNOW HER LIPSTICK COLOR.

She dresses beautifully.  And her skin is unbelievable.

Granted, her husband is an idiot, but she's pretty and smart and a good mom.

Also.  I am talking about her character. Not her real life.

Though her skin is pretty in her real life.  And I'm sure her real life lipstick is fantastic.  And I have no knowledge of her real life husband or her real life parenting skills.

It is a great show.  I am almost through with Season 2 of 6.

Please don't tell me anthing past Season 2.

I've heard rumblings of an impending disaster in Season 5 that I cannot think about right now.

Shows that I have loved:

Friday Night Lights

The Gilmore Girls

White Collar

Veronica Mars

Parenthood

Castle

Scandal (I may quit this soon.  It is getting ridiculous.)

Psych

Firefly

***

I feel like there are a lot more. 

Maybe it is my subconcious pride that is keeping me from adding to the list.

Oh.  I also regularly watch:

NCIS:  Plain and LA

The Blacklist

Chicago Fire

Downton Abbey

Forever

About a Boy

***

I'm going to go get a life now.

Well.  Maybe after another Good Wife episode.

What do you watch?

Words

I've always been a bit envious of those of you who were focused enough to have a Word of the Year.

By the time January rolls around, my Word would typically be something like Napping or Solitude.

And those have just never seemed appropriate.

A few weeks ago, a word popped into my head and has not gone away. I don't know if it is my Word of the Year or if it is just good old conviction, but Generosity will not leave me alone.

My first thoughts of generosity usually land on money.  Being generous with the resources that God has given to me.  It is easy to say, "if I had the money they did" or "when things aren't as tight" or "after we get this paid off" I will give more.  

I don't think that is necessarily what God had in mind with the whole giving thing. (See Luke 21:1-4 for a gentle reminder.)

Generosity starts making me a little more uncomfortable when I think of my time.

Y'all.  I like my time.

I especially like my alone time.

A lot.

It is HARD for me to think of being more generous with my time. But I think maybe that is where this won't-get-out-of-my-head-thing is leading.

It is SUPER HARD for me to think of being more generous with my family's time. If we get a night with nothing planned I am holding on tight.  

PSA:  I think those type of nights are vitally important to the health and happiness of a family.  And I am in no way saying they are wrong or selfish or wasteful.  I am, in fact, encouraging you to find them and love them.

However.  I think that maybe my first reaction should not ALWAYS be to say no, lock the doors and hide the access to the outside world.  Maybe I should sometimes think of others that we could include. 

I do know that any money or time that we give away will always come back to us.  Maybe not dollar for dollar or hour for hour...that never needs to be the reason we give.  But God tells us that the measure we use will be the measure used for us.  

My prayer is that at the end of this year, I will be able to look back and clearly see ways that I was more generous.  I want to think of giving more than I think of keeping.

But for now, I'm off to enjoy a bit of solitude and napping.

Do you have a Word of the Year?

A New Year

I can't even believe that it has been over TWO YEARS since I've written on this blog.  

I'm certain that there is nobody still checking in here, but here I am.

Blogging has changed so much.  When I've thought about beginning again, I've freaked myself out by getting wrapped up in an outdated site, no readers, and all of those kinds of things.  Then I realize how much I enjoy looking back on the documented years and I want to have those again for my family and for myself.  

I miss writing.  I miss having a reason to write.

So here's to new beginnings.

Where Was I?

I had to go back and read my own blog to see where I left off, um, 5 months ago.

And you know what?

Not much has changed.

And a lot has changed.

Doesn't that sum up our days?

***

The Princess just turned 15 and is attending junior high school this year.  We jumped from homeschooling to public school. I am confident that it was the right move, but it has not been without moments of doubt.

It is so very hard to watch your kids do life.  

But it is also totally cool to watch your kids do life. 

Daily I struggle with wanting to fix it for her, yet wanting her to experience the joy that comes from surviving something hard.

I think that is how God feels about us.  

He could fix it for us, but what joy we would miss.

***

What has been going on with you?