The Queen B

Presenting King Malaprop & His Princess

mal·a·prop·ism - noun; /ˈmæləprɒpˌɪzəm/ (dictionary.com)
1. an act or habit of misusing words ridiculously, esp. by the confusion of words that are similar in sound.
2. The King's choice of speech

The King is kind of known for his butchering of the English language.

I'm just not sure that you can fully appreciate the depth of his misuse.

Let me give you a few examples:

"The Short and Tall of It"

"Did you pack my toiletries?" (pronounced toilet-terries)

"Give 'em a mile and they'll take an inch"

"The cat let it out of the bag"

"Whatever tickles your boat"

"He just got his desserts"

"That ought to rattle his buttons"

He took it to a whole new level yesterday: Biblical Malapropism.

I, unfortunately, was suffering from ridiculously painful cramps. Sorry. It is necessary for the story.

I was telling The King about it. All day long.

In a pathetic attempt at sympathy, The King said, "Stupid Mary. It's all her fault."

I'm trying really hard to remember anybody I know named Mary who might possibly be responsible for my chronic and unending torment.

Nothing. Mary?

Then it hit me.

"Do you mean Eve?"

"What?"

The King had already forgotten the previous conversation.

"Stupid Mary. Did you mean Eve?"

"Oh. Yeah. Her."

I began to tell The King that he cannot curse the mother of Jesus for my monthly affliction. She did nothing to cause the plight of generations of women. It was Eve. The Garden. The apple. The sinning.

It is pointless.

I know there is no hope.

I hit a bit of panic on Sunday night, though. It is possible that The King's malady is, and I shudder, genetic.

The TV was turned on to Geraldo at Large.

The Princess watched for a minute and said, "Mom, is JERALDO (with a J) Italic?"

"Excuse me?"

"Is Jeraldo Italic?"

"Um. Do you mean Italian? And that would be Geraldo (with an h sound)."

Falls into the floor laughing. Unable to breath.

At least she gets that she said it wrong. And that it is funny.

Perhaps there is hope. Maybe it is just a phase.

The King has a "special" word that he uses all the time to describe situations. Though he says it is a noun. (A descriptive noun, he says.) I've heard him use it on the phone. With real people.

Idiocracy.

That's his word.

This is how he often uses this word: "That's pure idiocracy."

So. I guess his definition would be something like "the act of being an idiot".

Hmmmm...

Take A Haec

What? Is something wrong?

Oh...you are wondering about that word in my title?

I'll be more than happy to explain.

But first. Let me just go off the "glass half full" record for a few minutes. I've been half full all stinkin' night and now I'd like to vent to a few of my friends. And be half empty.

I'm not sure what is up, but I'm about lessoned out.

So tonight was the Latin Spelling Bee at The Princess' school. You might remember that the Bee discovery was part of my really great day yesterday. The part where I found out about it, oh, let's see...yesterday.

The school requires that the students take Latin. I wasn't sure if Latin was a real language or not. I'm kind of still not sure. I guess it is spoken somewhere. Is it spoken somewhere?

(All of you smart language arts people, chill. I'm doing really well in math and other useful stuff. I can't be all things to all subjects.)

Anyway, they have a Latin Spelling Bee for the 3rd & 4th graders and then one for the 5th through 8th graders. The winners of each bee then compete against each other for Champion of the Entire Latin World. So here comes my first gripe:

Is it really likely that a 3rd grade student is gonna take down an 8th grade student?

Thank you. I feel better. I just needed to say that.

So last year's Latin teacher was a sweet lady who focused on learning the meaning of the words. This year's teacher is really great. He loves Latin. He really wants the kids to learn it and love it. I'm incredibly impressed with him. He even has classes for the moms. I went to one. I kind of got it. But then I lost it.

Round 1 of the Latin Bee begins. There were 20 kids in the 3rd & 4th grade bee. The words were all over the place.

I mean, to someone who hasn't the foggiest idea about the language, those words were all over the place.

Example: One girl's Round 1 word was et (pronounced et). Another girl's Round 1 word was vestigium (pronounced west eeg iuum).

Don't be making fun of my pronunciations.

So The Princess gets up to the microphone. Her word?

"Hike."

She asks Mr. Latin if he could repeat the word.

"Hike."

She paused. "Hike. H......I.......K......E Hike."

"I'm sorry. That is incorrect. The correct spelling is H-A-E-C."

Her half-full mother is shooting the thumbs up signal with a grin that would've rivaled The Joker. I'm mouthing words of encouragement out the wazoo: Great Job!; I'm So Proud of You!; You Looked So Pretty Up On Stage (that one always worked for me); You Had Such A Great Smile!!

At the end of Round 1 there were 4 kids left. I'd say this Latin thing is taking off.

One of The Princess' best friends made it to the final two. We were so proud of her. Her word was Magister (pronounced mag eeest ur). She spelled "M-a-g-i-s-e, I mean, t-e-r". I'm sorry, her word was incorrect. The correct spelling was M-a-g-i-s-t-e-r. She handled it very well. The Princess probably would've demanded a recount. Or a retrial. Or an appeal. Or she'd have cried.

I so don't expect The Princess to win all things. I don't care that she went out in the first round. I wouldn't care if she was the only one that went out in the first round.

I mentioned yesterday that The Princess' glass has been half empty lately. There's a lot of life lessons to wade through when you're 10.

I think the most difficult lesson she's learning right now is that life is not always fair. Sometimes the good guys don't win. Sometimes your best isn't enough. Sometimes your competitor gets a break that you don't get.

And I'm having to spread rainbows and sunshine all over the place to show her to rejoice in all things.

What I really want to do is tell her that it wasn't fair. The girl that won had words so easy even I, her language-impaired mama, could spell them. I want to tell her that this Latin junk is for the birds and let's just get through it without putting forth the hour a day that it takes. I want to tell her that it is stupid and the bee is stupid.

I really, really want to write, "I don't laec Latin" 50 times and give it to the teacher.

But I have to be the mom.

I have to be the sensible one that teaches her how to win with grace and lose with grace.

I have to teach her that awards and accolades don't show what is in her heart. Win or lose.

I have to tell her that her true character will not be measured when she's winning and at the top of her game.

I know that someday she'll experience the joy of winning. Someday she'll be the one that gets the advantage.

Just not today.

Another lesson? Cheeseburgers and milkshakes make everything a little bit better. Win or Lose.

(Speaking of yummy things to cheer you up...head over to Take 90 West for a fun surprise!!)