The Queen B

A Pathetic Attempt At A Post

It's me again.

Sorry I've been on the lam.

I am working on an update on La P.  There's been some activity.  Nothing major.  

But some.

However.

Today I'll be posting on something frivolous involving little thought:  

The Unfortunate Use of Botox* for The Upper Lip

Really.

While watching the Country Music Awards last week, I found myself perplexed by Nicole Kidman's current lip situation.

I have a similar reaction when viewing Courteney Cox.

And Meg Ryan.

I cannot think of a single person who has looked new and/or improved by the plumping of their upper lip.

Instead, it looks as if they've had a tragic encounter with a stinging insect or food allergen.

I just want to issue a proclamation...Botox* for the lip is not a good decision.

If there is ever a time that you feel it might be an option, google the aforementioned women.  

Please.

If, after googling, plumping is still a consideration, then have someone throw a baseball into your mouth and live with the consequences for a few days.

See how many compliments you receive.

I feel better now.  Your thoughts?

*I'm unsure if Botox is actually what people use to create this unattractive lip condition.  Is it collagen?  I don't know.  I just know it is not good.

The B Stands For BRAVE

One option is that I've become brave.

However.

Another option is that I've lost my mind.

It began with that whole Zip Line/Screamer fiasco a few weeks ago...

And now this.

Gaze upon that, my friends.

100 feet of tower terror.

(I have proof.)

Here's the deal.

My mother-in-law, The Princess and I went on a little day trip earlier this week.

We've been waterlogged with ALL THE RAIN for a few weeks and the lovely sunshine just made it too tempting to stay inside.

Apparently, The Princess has missed the sun so much that she felt the need to be closer to it.

She spotted this tower early in our day and asked if we could climb.

I blew her off and said "maybe".

However.

By "maybe", I really meant "surely you'll forget by the time we come back because there's no way in the world I'll climb that dumb tower."

She didn't forget.

This was the cause of my initial concern.  Well.  My initial concern other than the 100 feet.

 

Do you see how rusted the money box thing is?

Does that give you a tiny inkling of how old this dumb tower is?

Here's the cause of my SERIOUSLY MAJOR CONCERN.  Well.  My SERIOUSLY MAJOR CONCERN other than the 100 feet.

 

Read it.  

I'm not kidding. 

Take the time and read it.

I'll wait.

...YOU CAN DECIDE IF YOU WANT TO GO UP?????

Are they for real?

OH MY WORD.

I made The Princess pay with her money.

There's no way I'm using my own money to fund my demise.

(My mother-in-law is a total chicken and went shopping.)

(She's reading this.)

(But I called her a chicken then, too.)

The steps were incredibly OLD AND RICKETY.

I had to, of course, go first so that I'd plummet to my death before The Princess.  

Who me?  Mother of the Year?  Why, thank you!

About half way up, I begged her to stop.

 

 

This is the view from the top.

100 FEET ABOVE THE EARTH.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.  It's pretty. 

Look!  It's my chicken mother-in-law!

She's the teensy orange dot coming out of the store.

I'm sure you are wondering about the wasp infestation.

We didn't see any on the way to the top.

Nope.

We saw them on the WAY DOWN.

Like, between me us and the ground.

Flying underneath the rickety, rotted stairs.

We had to dodge zillions of wasps to get to the precious ground.

It was pretty much horrible.

Except for this...

Catching Up

1.  This is the creepiest Halloween costume I've ever seen.

 

2.  The Princess and I went to Riverdance with Beachy Mimi yesterday.  I mean no disrespect to Irish dancers, but I am concerned that they will suffer some long-term knee joint issues.  I was not aware that knees were made to move in so many different directions. 

Another concern that I have after attending the Riverdance performance is the combination of shoes & socks that my mother is choosing.

 

I do believe that is a hiking sock with her sassy boot.

Please let her know that we, as a group, do not approve.

3.  The King is traveling for work.  He had a really long drive yesterday.  Like, 28 hours.  

At 3 a.m. I received a text that included this picture...

 

I replied to ask if that was his current location.

He confirmed that it was, in fact, his current location.

I then asked if it was open at 3 a.m.

He informed me that it was nature, and nature doesn't close.

Here's The King at Niagara Falls at 3 a.m.

 

So, in case you ever find yourself in the area at 3 a.m. and are wondering if Niagara Falls is open...it is.

4.  I need your opinion on chiropractors.  I know that it is often controversial.  I've never been to one, but think that my spine needs adjusting.  Thoughts?

This Weekend, I Lost My Senses Entirely

There are two words that, when used in combination, have historically struck fear into my soul.

Can you handle it?

Youth Retreat.

Since The Princess is now a part of our church's youth, the King and I are serving as co-co-co-co-leaders. 

The Youth Retreat had been on the schedule for a while.  For the longest, it seemed way off in the future.  The move, etc. had caused it to slip my mind a bit.

But frankly, I'd been dreading the entire event.

I do have to say that it was quite a lot of fun.

The kids were not scary.

The topics of conversation did not cause me to convulse.

I slept well.

(I wore earplugs.)

Then came Day 2...

Day 2 was Adventure Day.

Now y'all know me well enough to know that I am not the biggest fan of the "adventure".

Our day started with a kid or two "falling" into the lake.  

In 38 degree temperature.

One of those kids had one pair of shoes and the other had one pair of underwear.

(Yes.  They were both boys.)

I gave the underwear boy my hair dryer to dry his unmentionables.

He promised that my dryer would not touch his undies.

After lunch, we immediately went to the adventure area.

Our first activity was the zip line.

 

Do you see how high that is?

I mean..really?  Do you see?

The Princess has no fear.

 

Me?  Tons of fear.  I climbed really quickly.  I just didn't think about it.  Until I had to step from the pole to the platform...not so easy.

See how my right hand is attached to something?  It was some teensy piece of metal. I couldn't bring myself to let go of it.  

I asked the fella (who, by the way, said he'd never done the zip line) if he could please, please double check my harness.

The King asked if he could go backwards.  

I was asking how the heck to get off of that thing.  

The King was asking if he could run and jump.

I realized that my options were to either glide down or climb down.

Gliding then became my only option.

I couldn't step off of the platform.  I just couldn't do it.  

So I squatted.  And sort of rolled off.  

Like a semi-somersault.

I'm so grateful that there is not a picture of that roll.

 

That's me.  Gliding.  Without an ounce of grace.

So then the next device of torture was The Screamer.  

Here's the deal.

IT IS CALLED THE SCREAMER.

At the point at which I decided to be a cool, hip, youth leader...my brain quit functioning and The Screamer became a possibility.

Basically, you get pulled way high in the sky...like a million feet...and then you are dropped in a free-falling plunge.

Here's The Princess.

Here she goes...

 

 

Her little arms are pumped in the air in complete ecstasy.

Here's her mom.

 

The King is trying to encourage me.

When I look at this picture, all I can think is "if only".

If only I'd known what I was about to experience.

If only someone had truthfully explained what my body was about to endure.

 

I've spent over 30 years trying to avoid the feeling given by The Screamer.

 

The minute that I began plummeting to earth, I realized the mistake that I'd made.

I couldn't scream.

I think I swallowed my tongue for a second.

It was super quick but also incredibly slow.

It is the reason that I don't do roller coasters.

The reason that I'm terrified of airplanes.

The reason that my legs turn to jello when looking down a stairwell over 2 stories tall.

I don't like adrenaline.

I will never, never, never, NO NOT EVER be experiencing The Screamer again. 

Ever.

Am I clear?

The King was understandably scared to try The Screamer after my HORRIFIC experience.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hot shot.

Still No Photos

I almost didn't post because of the immense amount of guilt I feel for not having house pictures.

Y'all.

I have taken dozens of pictures.

They all stink.

Is it my camera?

My lighting?

My skillz?

All of the above?

I don't want to take a photography class.

I don't want to spend a fortune on a camera.

What to do?

Do you like your camera?

Is it easy to use?

Do you like your friend's camera?  Your sister's?  

Is there a camera you are hoping to purchase?

Please share.

Well I Wasn't Prepared For That

So I've found something more heinous than the yearly OB/Gyn visit...

The yearly dermatologist visit.

It's been over 5 years since I've seen a dermatologist and my moles seem to be in a state of mass reproduction.  

I thought it might be prudent to get them checked.

(They were fine.)

But, um, hello?

I wasn't really prepared for the THOROUGH EXAMINATION while in AN OPEN BACKED GOWN.

WITH A MEDICAL STUDENT AS CO-PILOT.

Please, Sir...and, um, Ma'am...Closely examine the moles all over my ENTIRE BODY...while I'm standing exposed...with nothing to do...but STAND.  EXPOSED. While the two of you look at AND DISCUSS the small moles all over my entire body.

Not awkward at all.

I'm pretty sure they were making faces about my thighs while they "examined" my backside.

Note to self:  Find a female dermatologist who works in a dimly lit room.

However.

In order to move past my trauma, I scheduled The King his very own mole checking appointment for Friday.

(I'm just thinking about his health....:)

He Taketh Away & Giveth

Remember my nephew, JJ?

Well.

Friday evening, JJ was telling us that he was really scared about a spooky story our other nephew, Christopher, had told him.  Something about Bloody Mary...

The Princess told JJ that he could ask Jesus to remove his fears and then they would be gone. 

We were back with JJ on Saturday morning, and he was excited to share that Jesus had totally taken away all of his fears.

Later in the afternoon, The Princess was taking JJ on a 4-wheeler ride up a relatively steep hill.

When they got to the top of the hill, JJ said, "I'm not sure what happened back there, but for just a minute, God let me have all those fears back."

Happy Monday.

Payback

I'm thinking Fat put some kind of hex on me.

I've got a SERIOUS crick in my neck.

SERIOUS.

I cannot turn my head to the right.

(Which is not really very convenient when turning left across several lanes of traffic.)

Could somebody PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS THAT ARE WITHOUT PAIN give me a helpful hint on how to get rid of this stinkin' crick?

I'd post more but I'm grumpy.

Because It's Monday

I cannot believe I'm stooping so low.

However.

One of The King's friends sent this to him last week.

It seems our local Mickey D's had a rogue employee.

Is It Just Me...

...or is this summer already going way too fast?

I really want to enjoy each day...to slow the pace a bit, you know?

Country Living

What are you doing to savor the season?