The Queen B

Finally...An Update

Thanks to all of you who have emailed to ask about La P's adoption.

I wanted to post about it as soon as we returned last week, but I had to process for a few days.

And that is my only excuse for yesterday's post.

Basically, Guatemala is closed to all new adoptions.  That said, there are some going through.  

Which means they are really not closed.

You may recall that La P was born with a tumor in her face/sinus cavity/optical (orbital?) globe area.  It is alarmingly close to her optical nerve.  She has had 2 prior surgeries to remove the tumor.

Only it is still there.

We were able to obtain her medical records a few months ago.  Our interpretation (and that of a few doctors/nurses who have reviewed them) is that more surgeries are necessary.  There is a lot of debris floating around her optical nerve.  She has a lot of inflammation that is prone to infection.  

Not to mention she is a little girl with a significant growth on her face.

An adoption would be more likely if we could bring her here on a medical visa for treatment.  The only way that can happen is if a Guatemalan doctor will say that she needs treatment in the U.S.  

But the doctors there are saying that she is fine and it is only cosmetic.

Her records (and symptoms and examination by a doctor and nurse who traveled with us) totally indicate otherwise.

So.  We need to find a Guatemalan doctor who is willing to examine her and/or her records and will acknowledge that she needs treatment in the U.S.  

From that point, we have good information that things could begin happening pretty quickly.

If that doesn't happen, it will be years.  

If ever.

Our prayer is that God will lead us to a compassionate Guatemalan physician. 

On our way to visit La P, I really prayed that I would know for certain if she was ours or if we were just supposed to be her "sponsor" forever.

I kind of thought she might not remember me and then I'd know that it wasn't meant to be.

My heart was overflowing all week.  She knew us.  It was as if no time had passed.

She fits right in our family.  Her personality is so similar to that of The Princess.

She is funny and sweet.  She was so incredibly patient with us as we butchered the Spanish language.

(One time, after I'd said a word completely wrong, she rolled her eyes and said, "A, E, I, O, U" and gave us the proper pronunciation.)

She was sick on 2 different occasions while we were there.  She allowed me to care for her.  I held her and comforted her.  

I'm blown away by the depth of my love for her.

I was bending down to tie my shoe one afternoon and she walked over to me and kissed me on the cheek and said, "I love you, Mama".  

In English.

I melted.

One of the sweetest exchanges took place between her and my mother-in-law.  

For Christmas, we gave Nana a necklace with each of the grandkids' initial of their first name.  After we met La P, we got her another letter.  La P began checking out her necklace as soon as she saw Nana.  Nana showed her The Princess' letter and pointed to The Princess.  She showed her my nephew, Christopher's letter (he was with us on the trip) and pointed to him and then showed her the La P letter.  

(JJ's letter is on there, too.  He just wasn't on the trip.)

(If anyone that knows us was wondering.)

Something about that visual made it all click for La P.  I wish you could have seen her face when she realized what Nana meant.

I will never forget it.

Here are the 3 cousins...

La P loves her sister.

...and her sister loves her.

These photos were taken as we prepared to tell her goodbye.

Our time with her was fantastic.  Thank you for praying.

I know that there are many of you wearing your bracelets and praying for us.  

(Which reminds me, if you haven't gotten yours, let me know.  I think I deleted a few of the last emails of people who requested one.  Oh.  And if you live outside the U.S., I found your UNMAILED envelopes in my glove box the other day.  They are on their way.  Forgive?)

If you will, join us in praying specifically for a Guatemalan doctor.  There are so many details that will have to occur in the perfect order for us to bring her home.

When it happens, we will know without a doubt that it was orchestrated by God.

Adios.

Only Grace

So.

No paint.

(Fake some surprise.)

***

You know how God can take a really disappointing situation and turn it into something full of hope?

We've been witnessing one of those over the last week.

I've shared the Carney's story with you.  This young family of 6 has accepted the call to serve at an amazing orphanage in Guatemala.  

I've told you how they've prepared...how they've sold all of their belongings.

Their moving date is this week.

Only they won't be moving.

Not yet.

Bottom line:  their funding needs haven't been met.  

We hoped that the goal would be reached as their departure drew nearer.  But it just wasn't God's timing.

The King is on the board of Only Grace, the non-profit that is sending them.  Being a part of making that difficult decision was so incredibly hard for him.  How do you tell this family that the plans they have made over the last year are not going to happen as they expect?

I've already learned a few things from the experience.  

1. You cannot give God a timeline.  We set the date of June 20.  He didn't. 

2.  True character is seen when disappointment arrives.  Do you handle it with grace or with complaining?  

3.  God doesn't complicate things... we do that on our own.  

4.  Anything can be justified.  Seriously.  I think I could find a really good reason to only eat chocolate sundaes every meal for the rest of my life.

5.  When God prompts you to do something, do it.

6.  True courage is choosing to do the right thing when it will be unpopular and the wrong thing would be easier.

The Carney's have handled this with grace.  They are so excited to move to Casa, but accepted the decision made by the board.  They are disappointed, for sure. But they are focused on learning the lesson that God intends for them to learn.

Their testimony is going to be amazing!

I was having a difficult week last week anyway, and adding this to it was more than I could handle.  So I pretty much tried to talk The King into doing the easy thing.  

I might have even gotten a little mouthy.

Thankfully, he had the good sense to seek wise counsel and ignore his meddling wife.

(That sentence may or may not be edited out of the final post.)  

What really sticks with me is how often we intend to do something and never get around to it.  You know that commercial about how "almost giving is not giving" or something like that?

So true.

I'm not throwing stones here.  I'm guilty of the same thing.  

So many people assured the Carney's that they'd support them monthly and never did.

Of course, the economy reeks and things come up.  That is absolutely understandable.  

A lot of people just forget, though.  I have done that so many times.

When you feel prompted to support your local missionaries or Compassion or Only Grace or whatever...do it.  This experience has shown me that there really is no amount that is too small.  

And I fully believe that you'll never miss that money.  God always replenishes the storehouse. 

Always.

Even in the frustration of the delay, I know this is the right thing.  June 20 was never the date that God intended on sending them to Casa permanently.  He knows the perfect date.  

When He feels they are prepared to go, the money will be in place.

It is so nice to rest knowing that His plans are better than ours.

If you think of it, pray for the Carney's.  This is a major change of plans for them. (Did I mention they sold all their stuff?)  I know they are tired.  They've been living out of suitcases for a month...in and out of friends' homes...with 4 boys. 

I'm excited to see what God has planned for them.

In a strangely parallel universe, our builder shared these words with us...

Disappointment creates opportunity.

I'm thinking he's right.

(And I'll have paint by 2012.)

Could You Please Enunciate?

(Prepare to be frustrated by the end of this post.)

I have a relatively well defined sense of what is right or wrong for my life.

I cannot think of too many times that I've been stuck in the middle of a decision.

Now, that's not to say that I always make the right choice.  

Though I do think it is safe to say that most times when I make a bad decision, I know I'm making it.

Does that make a bit of sense?

I guess I'm trying to say that there have been very few times that I've been totally and completely unsure of which direction to take.

I apologize for being vague.  

But I'm going to be vague.

Every day we make choices.  What to wear, what to eat, where to go...

Occasionally we make choices with results that have lasting consequences.

I try to take any decision that I'm faced with and line it up with God's Word.

Sometimes God speaks so loudly that I know I'm really only left with a single option.

Guatemala was that kind of decision.

I had lots of reasons why it wasn't a good idea, but I knew that saying yes was my only option.

Still other times we are faced with decisions that can totally go either way.

Both options line up with God's Word.

The pros and cons are pretty equal.

Choice A brings pain and Choice B brings pain.

Neither feel completely right.

I've prayed.  

I've been in God's Word.

I've sought counsel from godly friends.

I'm still conflicted.

My heart is torn.

The funny thing is that every friend that I've confided in has had the same answer.

But it is not what I want to do.

Doing what is right feels wrong.

Doing what is wrong feels right.

It is so easy to justify whatever we want.

How do you know what is a "gut feeling" that should be followed and what is just wanting what you want?

I was hoping that writing it out would make it clearer.

NOT SO MUCH.

(And I assure you that I'm not talking about my paint color.)

(Though it was touch & go for a while...)

Gravity

You know how something that goes up must come down?

Well.

All the emotion of the last few months has come crashing.

I hesitate to blog about this, but I know that God wants me to share this story.  

And unfortunately, this is part of the story.

I cannot even explain how thrilled I am that The King has been able to travel to Guatemala to spend time with La Princesa.

I am so proud of him.  

He has given of himself for nothing in return.  Granted, he gets to see La P, but the majority of his time has been spent doing serious construction.

It won't make him money or grow his business.  He wins nothing by serving.

But he's gone and he's served.

I love him so very much.

However.

(Here's where I start to sound whiny.)

I'm totally and completely jealous.

With The Princess, I was able to spend the 9 months of pregnancy bonding with her.  Loving her.  Keeping her to myself.  

She was real to me from the moment I learned of her.

In a weird sort of way, The King has had that time with La P.

He knows what makes her laugh and what makes her cry.  He has shared meals with her and comforted her when her tummy hurt.

The Princess and I just exist on a picture.

The King has had her to himself.

The three of us will be traveling to see her in July.  Of course I am very excited. 

But will it be the same?

We'll be with a big group with several family members and friends who can't wait to see her.  

Will she be overwhelmed?

Will I be overwhelmed?

I think that my breakdown was fueled by news that The King brought home...the adoption is going to be way more complicated than we thought.

And we thought it was going to be seriously complicated.

I'm too wiped to get into the details, but it is in no way a "done deal".

I am definitely reminded that if we are able to bring her home, it will only be because that is God's will.

I am trying to rest in the fact that God brought us together.  I know that He sent us to Guatemala to find her.  But the what-ifs are trying to take over.

My natural reaction is to run.

To put up a barrier to protect my heart.

I am fighting the urge to not get any more emotionally involved than I am.  I cannot think of a time that I have ever put my heart in a place where the odds are good that it might be devastated.

It blows my mind that I could love this child so much.  I am amazed at how my little family of 3 immediately became a family of 4.

It feels so right.

Every trial that we go through means that God will receive that much more glory.  I know that.  I know it.

I just need to feel it.

I don't want to guard my heart.

I don't want to hold back.

I haven't looked at the dozens of pictures of her that The King brought home.  I am desperate to see them yet I can't bring myself to look at them.

I am a mess.

I'm certain this is just a phase.  It is probably normal.  I'll be on to some other emotion in no time.

But for now, if you actually read this far, thanks for letting me vent.

A Little Pain, A Little Gain

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but have y'all noticed that the economy is not really improving just yet?

We've made lots of changes to try and be better stewards of our money, and it still feels as if we have a long way to go.

I thought I might share a few of the simple things that we've done to save.  

Some have been painful, but worth it.  Others have been an easy adjustment.

Several are just pathetic.

Ditched the house cleaning

Duh.  This was the first to go.  It stunk.  

Big.

Truly, I still grieve over the loss.

But it saved us $280 a month, so that is totally worth it.

(It IS worth it...It IS worth it...It IS worth it...  I have to chant this a lot.)

Ditched the lawn mowing fella

Our reason for having the fella was so that The King would not have to spend his precious non-working hours mowing.  We wanted to spend those hours enjoying family time.

But it was costing us $120 during the mowing months.

Family time will now be spent doing yard work.  

Combined our phone, cable & internet services

I'm not sure why this always sounded like it would be a big pain.

Oh...because it was a big pain.

Two days (from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m.) were spent waiting on the cable/phone/internet guy.  He spent 7 hours in our house.  It was installed incorrectly.

My phone makes a hideous buzzing noise when I'm talking into it.

I still don't know how to get my voice mail.

My internet connection is significantly slower.

But it is saving us $60 each month.

This one has been pretty annoying...buzzzzzzzzzzz.

We've stopped eating out during the week

One night eating out costs $30.  

Not painful to eat at home.

$120 a month saved without any sacrifice.

Limiting the dry cleaning

It was just so much easier to send The King's shirts to the cleaners.  

Ironing causes me to twitch.

And I'm really not very good at it.

So The King now irons his shirts.

$50 each month (and a happy wife) was plenty motivation for him.

Hybrid car

Ok.  So I didn't just buy the car to save money.  But we were going to be buying a car, and so we chose a hybrid to save a little coin.

My gas bills have been cut in half.

Savings:  $100 each month.

Canceled the memberships & lessons

Gym membership had to go.  (I acted sad but really kind of liked it.) 

Piano lessons went away.  (Ok.  So really there was more to it then that.  But it counts as savings.)

The Princess wants me to add that we cancelled her Club Penguin membership.  

Total savings:  $135.95.

Avoid temptation at all costs

Target is my downfall.  I can't get out of there without buying something.

Or a couple of somethings.

So I don't go.  Or I take The King.  

There's nothing that kills my shopping buzz quite like the levelheadedness of The King.

Savings:  Don't want to think about it.

The things on this list are luxuries.  We are not sacrificing by doing without.

We mostly just started doing the things for ourselves that we were hiring others to do for us.

Which is kind of embarrassing.

The total savings from this list is $860 each month.  

That will be $10,320 this year.

We've also raised our deductibles on insurance to lower our premiums.  We've stopped going to the movie.  We've ended subscriptions to magazines.

The bottom line is this:  Making a few little changes can equal big savings.

Canceling any one of the things on my list would not have made a huge difference in our lives.  But the combined savings does make a difference.

And we barely even miss what is gone.

Well.  I really, really, really miss the house cleaning.

A lot.

I think of it daily, in fact.

Before we began trying to find ways to save, I remember thinking that we didn't have anything major to cancel.  I didn't think it would be worth the effort.  

$10,000 is worth my effort.

I'd love to know the changes that you've made.  

What's worked?  What do you miss?  What has made the biggest difference?

I can't wait to read what you have to share.

 

Who's The Boss?

We are just entering the tween years.  

At least I think that's what we are entering.

The Princess is 11.  And very emotional.

Like, super very emotional.

Funny...I am also super very emotional.

And I am at a loss.  

I feel like I am always reacting inappropriately.

Apparently, daughters don't need sarcastic mothers.

I'm pretty sure she needs a lot of boundaries. 

Hello?  I need lots of boundaries.

I know that she needs a mom who is levelheaded and in control.

I am fairly certain that I have completely lost my head.

In our Bible study yesterday, we discussed how Mom sets the tone for the home. 

Mom determines if the morning goes well or if chaos reigns.

Mom makes a difference in each family member's day.

Here's my confession:  Lately, I have not been setting a very pleasant tone.

I have allowed complaining to rule.

Half-empty has replaced half-full.

I have been convicted to get it together.

I want our home to be a happy, uplifting & calming refuge.

(However.  Don't expect a new & improved Queen B.)

(I will be forced to release it somewhere.)

(Most likely here.)

Friendship Rocks

Yesterday, a few girls from our Bible Study took a field trip.

Well, not really.  We went the the mall.

One of our member's husband just got a new swanky lawyer job and she's got to go to some swanky lawyer job required events.

Which makes me really, really glad that The King will never have to attend anything swanky.  

In fact, the thought of The King and me at something swanky throws me into immediate fits of laughter.

Just keepin' it real.

Jennifer is adorable.  And not to embarrass her or anything, but prior to yesterday, I've never carried the sizes XS, 2 or 4 to a dressing room.

Jules was the fashion consultant.  Debra was the cheerleader.  

I just knocked a lot of stuff off the racks with my coat, purse and flailing arms.

And I'd like to take a moment to give a shout out to the Dillard's workers who NEVER ASKED US IF THEY COULD HELP US.  Not once.  Ever.  In 2 1/2 hours.

It was such a fun day and reminded me of how important friends are in our lives.

Isn't that just what friendship is about?  We all combined our strengths to make Jennifer look and feel her best.

Jules is an expert in all things beautiful, and she made Jennifer look lovely and confident.

Debra is the ultimate encourager and 100% authentic.  Her nod of approval made Jennifer's confidence soar.

I just knocked a lot of of stuff off the racks with my coat, purse and flailing arms.

Look around for a friend in need.  It doesn't have to be an enormous gesture.  

Just think of something that you can do for someone to make them feel their best.

It was just as much fun for us as it was for Jennifer.  

Maybe more fun, since we didn't have to buy the clothes.

(Or go to the swanky events.)

Big News

This weekend brought some excitement to The Palace.

First of all, Saturday was my birthday.  That, in itself, would make for a fun weekend.

But we also entered into the weekend with some buyers seriously interested in our house.

We went through that whole offer/counter offer/ counter counter offer/ counter counter counter offer thing.  It was all supposed to be resolved on my birthday.

So that totally made sense in my mind.  

Our house has been for sale for 8 months.  We've had tons of activity.  A few offers that didn't work out.  Lots of promises to buy that didn't, um, buy.

Properties that we loved have sold.

I've felt sad, mad, frustrated, happy, peaceful, conflicted and every other emotion imaginable.  We had so many opportunities to sell that fell apart.  

And they didn't fall apart for normal reasons.  They fell apart for completely odd and never before seen reasons.

So the birthday thing made sense.  God was going to give me a present.

But then the whole deal fell apart on my birthday.

And that pretty much stunk.

And I moped and grumbled and had a pity party instead of a birthday party.

Then on Sunday, we got a phone call. Out of nowhere, a couple that had looked at the house months before made an offer  FOR OUR ASKING PRICE and wondered WOULD WE MIND RENTING THE HOUSE BACK FROM THEM FOR 6 MONTHS?

We are planning on building.  We were going to have to rent.

Are you kidding me?

God totally blew me away with his goodness. 

So we are officially under contract.  We are supposed to close in about a month. 

We've got a builder, a house plan and no place to put it.  But I know--and this time I really do know--that God has the perfect place for us.

Now I want to encourage you.  I know that some of you are going through circumstances that seem unchanging.  There are disappointments that are weighing you down.  

It seems that everyone else gets their happy ending.

You may be trying to figure out what in the world you are supposed to be learning so you can stinkin' learn it, already.

I've been there, y'all.  I've been stuck in that rut.  I began with some hope, but time passed and my hope vanished.

I struggled to figure out why in the heck things weren't working out when we were trying to do the right thing.

I may never know the purpose in His timing.  I may never know what we have been protected from.  

But I know--and this time I really do know--that His ways are better than anything I could ever arrange/plan/manipulate.  

His ways are worth waiting for.

I pray that you know that, too.

Brutal Truth

Just before Christmas, I posted about  my upcoming trip to Guatemala.

There are 36 people going to help our friends, The Carneys, prepare the apartment at the orphanage in which they'll be living.  That is the number one priority of our trip.

We also want to spend as much time as possible with the kids.  It is an amazing privilege to get to be a part of their lives for even one week.

I've got to be honest with you, though.  At the moment, those reasons feel like details.

I hesitate to write this post.  Like you, I've read bloggers who've gone on mission trips, and I've been astounded at their courage and willingness.  To me it seems as if the needs of the children and the call of God have totally outweighed any personal discomfort that they might have endured.  

Well.  That's not exactly how I'm feeling.

Y'all.  I don't want to go.  At all.  I want to scream and cry and throw a major fit and NOT GO.  

I'm dragging my feet on shots and passports and fundraising and discussions of what to pack.

I don't want to talk about it.  I don't want to think about it.

I don't want to go.

I feel as if the rest of the group is moving forward on how to do the best work while there and I'm by myself struggling in a serious wrestling match with God.

I'm mad at Him for making me go.  He knows that this is the ONE area in which I don't want to serve.

I thought we had an agreement.

The King is all about his stupid Rosetta Stone language program.

I cover my ears and go in another room.

The emails are coming through about issues dealing with logistics.

I delete them.

I know that it is foolish.  I am aware that I am being childish.  Good grief, The Carneys are willing to move their family to this country and I'm having a hissy over one week.

But I still don't want to go.

I'm mad at The King for not fixing it for me.  I want him to tell me that he thinks it would be better for me to stay home.  I want him to make it go away.

I want The Princess to say she wants to stay home.

I want the good old postal service to (crossing my fingers) lose my passport.

I've avoided my Bible for the last few weeks.  I don't want to talk to God about it or anything else right now.

He changed the rules.  

I have been learning lessons about "my control issue" as I've dealt with our house not selling.  Those lessons have been fine tuned as our business has been on a roller coaster.

I was just telling someone the other day that the house situation has taught me that I need to be where God wants me to be.  He has shown me that when the timing is right, He will knock my socks off with how He can orchestrate the unbelievable.

I thought I was making progress.

And now He wants me to go to a third world country?

But He does.

And so I'm going.

I'm going because I'm scared to not go.  I'm going because my husband wants me to go.  I'm going because my daughter needs me to go.  

I'm going because many others have done many things that are much more courageous.

I'm going because He promises that He will be with me.  

I think He even said something about being with me to the the end of the Earth. Which, in my mind, is exactly where Guatemala is located.

I'm going because to be terrified inside of His will is better than being comfortable outside of it.

But I still don't want to go.

***

I recently added a button on the side of my blog that will take you to the website for The Carney's ministry, Only Grace.  I thought that some of you might enjoy following their journey as it is just beginning.  They are cool and brave and not whiny.

My Cinema Experience Was Compromised

We went to see Bedtime Stories over the weekend.

It was pretty cute.  

I couldn't totally get into it because...

The dude in front of me had a serious case of B.O.

The theater was packed and there were no other seating options.

I'm not sure if I've previously mentioned it, but I have a REALLY sensitive nose.  Like, possibly supersonic.  I might be able to be a bomb sniffing dog or something.

Unfortunately, The King has the opposite issue.  He smells nothing. NOTHING.

Well.  That's not true.

He smells skunks in the most severe way.  When he was young, he and his dad went under their house to get rid of a skunk and it sprayed them.

(I know.  Duh.)

His family went to church that night and the whole congregation was talking about how they smelled a skunk in the church.

Anyway.

The skunk may have permanently damaged his sniffer.

Where was I?

The movie.  So The King had NO sympathy for my 2 hours of sitting in the midst of some nasty B.O.

It is hard to enjoy a movie when you have to hold your breath until you are going to pop or die and then take a quick breath by sticking your face in your elbow and getting fuzzies from your sweater in your mouth.

I was also sitting next to 4 tweens, or as I like to call them, The Kids I Will Use As An Example To My Daughter Of What Not To Do for the rest of our lives.

Three girls.  One boy.  

Talking at regular volume the entire movie.

I kept giving them dirty looks.  The Princess leaned forward and glared at them.  

The King can't smell OR hear.

About halfway through the movie, one of the girls threw her tween leg over the legs of the tween boy.  She was already pretty much in his lap.

Dear, dear loud tween girl.  This is not a good idea.  Tween boys cannot take such provocation.

And you are 12. Be a kid.  For just a little longer, be a kid.

So I glared at them for that, too.  And vowed to never, ever, NO NOT EVER drop off my tween daughter at the movie.

Thankfully, The Princess was grossed out by the entire display. 

So then I began thinking back to when I was 12.

We had just moved to a new town and my parents forced let me go to the movies with one of the new girls.

She came highly recommended.

We went to see E.T.

I wore my Luv-It jeans (rolled into wide cuffs) with my purple fuzzy Mickey Mouse sweatshirt.  Make-up had never crossed my mind.

The girl appeared at my door in tight jeans and a black leather vest with lots of make-up.

She was accessorized with a wide black leather bracelet with silver spikes.

As we rode with her mom to the movie, Tears For Fears' Shout was on the radio.  I recall her saying that it was her favorite song.

I had never heard it.

Her mom dropped us off at the movie.  I was pretty sure my mom wasn't aware of that bit of information.

We bought our tickets and went inside the theater. 

She met some friends in the lobby and they began to take their seats on The Back Row.

While I was fairly certain that I was not supposed to be alone in the theater, I was 100% certain that I was not supposed to be on The Back Row.

But I quietly surrendered and then cried through the whole movie.

When I got home, I cried some more and began packing up my Barbies.

Childhood had officially ended.

My mom begged me not to rush into packing up my favorite toy, but I was determined.

I really don't remember why I was so determined.  I would suppose that I didn't want the bad girl and her gang to know that I still played with (and loved) my toys.

(Though I think we can safely assume that the aforementioned sweatshirt outed me.)

I seem to remember feeling a little violated.  Like I'd seen the other side and could not go back.

My mom is still bewildered about why I insisted upon sending all of my Barbies to the children's shelter.  She was so sad.

I was sad, too.  

I wonder what that moment looks like for the young girls of today?  What sends them beyond the edge of their childhood?

I don't think I dare imagine.

But I will try with all my might to push that moment far, far into the future for my daughter.

And for me.

Um.

Didn't this post begin with B.O.?

Sorry.  Apparently, when I go days without blogging I tend to ramble upon my return.