Brutal Truth

Just before Christmas, I posted about  my upcoming trip to Guatemala.

There are 36 people going to help our friends, The Carneys, prepare the apartment at the orphanage in which they'll be living.  That is the number one priority of our trip.

We also want to spend as much time as possible with the kids.  It is an amazing privilege to get to be a part of their lives for even one week.

I've got to be honest with you, though.  At the moment, those reasons feel like details.

I hesitate to write this post.  Like you, I've read bloggers who've gone on mission trips, and I've been astounded at their courage and willingness.  To me it seems as if the needs of the children and the call of God have totally outweighed any personal discomfort that they might have endured.  

Well.  That's not exactly how I'm feeling.

Y'all.  I don't want to go.  At all.  I want to scream and cry and throw a major fit and NOT GO.  

I'm dragging my feet on shots and passports and fundraising and discussions of what to pack.

I don't want to talk about it.  I don't want to think about it.

I don't want to go.

I feel as if the rest of the group is moving forward on how to do the best work while there and I'm by myself struggling in a serious wrestling match with God.

I'm mad at Him for making me go.  He knows that this is the ONE area in which I don't want to serve.

I thought we had an agreement.

The King is all about his stupid Rosetta Stone language program.

I cover my ears and go in another room.

The emails are coming through about issues dealing with logistics.

I delete them.

I know that it is foolish.  I am aware that I am being childish.  Good grief, The Carneys are willing to move their family to this country and I'm having a hissy over one week.

But I still don't want to go.

I'm mad at The King for not fixing it for me.  I want him to tell me that he thinks it would be better for me to stay home.  I want him to make it go away.

I want The Princess to say she wants to stay home.

I want the good old postal service to (crossing my fingers) lose my passport.

I've avoided my Bible for the last few weeks.  I don't want to talk to God about it or anything else right now.

He changed the rules.  

I have been learning lessons about "my control issue" as I've dealt with our house not selling.  Those lessons have been fine tuned as our business has been on a roller coaster.

I was just telling someone the other day that the house situation has taught me that I need to be where God wants me to be.  He has shown me that when the timing is right, He will knock my socks off with how He can orchestrate the unbelievable.

I thought I was making progress.

And now He wants me to go to a third world country?

But He does.

And so I'm going.

I'm going because I'm scared to not go.  I'm going because my husband wants me to go.  I'm going because my daughter needs me to go.  

I'm going because many others have done many things that are much more courageous.

I'm going because He promises that He will be with me.  

I think He even said something about being with me to the the end of the Earth. Which, in my mind, is exactly where Guatemala is located.

I'm going because to be terrified inside of His will is better than being comfortable outside of it.

But I still don't want to go.

***

I recently added a button on the side of my blog that will take you to the website for The Carney's ministry, Only Grace.  I thought that some of you might enjoy following their journey as it is just beginning.  They are cool and brave and not whiny.

Comments

[SHerri Murphy]

I would be the same way. SCARY.

My friend Mare lives in Nigeria, (an American LIVING there) and she shares her incredibly daily stories with her readers through her blog site. SHe is an inspirational young lady.(Sorry, I don't know how to link you up, her site is "IT might Be Hope". SHe is on my blog roll).

Although it's easy for me to say, I'm sure you'll come back touched in such a way that only THIS type of ministry can touch a person. You'll be richer, deeper, more inspired than ever with a heart so big you'll not be able to contain your thoughts to the space allowed on this page!

Praying for His peace as you plan (even relunctantly) to go where He is sending you.

Looking forward to hearing about your journey.

[Lauren]

Queen B, I have been reading your blog for quite a while but I think this is the first time I've commented. Thanks for sharing your heart and being honest about this stuff.

One thing that really has helped me in situations like the one you're in - where I'm scared spitless and don't know how to pull myself together - is not thinking about it and just doing it. When I was in Peru for 3 weeks (whoohoo Amazon jungle!), I just blocked all thoughts about germs and malaria and HOLY FREAKIN' COW THERE'S A FROG ON THE WALL OF THE BATHROOM. You do what you've gotta do. Admittedly, it's easier once you're there (there=some place crazy), but sometimes you just have to push through here without thinking so much.

Oh, and go read your Bible. ;-)

[misty]

i teeter back and forth on this. When I first became serious about my relationship with God, my first fear was "am I going to have to go on a mission now?" because that desire was not there.
Years later I ended up working in an American group home, for troubled inner city kids. I loved it. Shortly after, I heard a presentation by someone stationed in Haiti. EVERYTHING they said- I could relate to. Everything. And suddenly I realized that I, the control freak, had pretty much done the same thing.
And God was completely awesome through it. My life changed significantly.
And although I haven't- since then I've been interested in missions. Not long term, but short little spurts.

you may not want to go, but i suspect you will go and it will end up being a major milestone for both your life and your heart for God.

[Kathy]

Thanks for being so honest about your feelings. It does always seem easy to watch others take on these challenges. Yet, I bet many more than we know have struggled with these same emotions. Your a great example in word and deed. Blessings to you all!

[Dana Jones]

I can understand because I feel the same way about mission work. It comes from some stories I heard as a teenager about missionaries in Africa who were served monkey soup or something and I just kind of drew the line.

uhm, I was trying to encourage you, where was I going with that? Oh yes, so, maybe sit down and have a heart to heart with God and be honest with what your fears are. And turn each one over to God and acknowledge His power. If you are afraid of monkey soup, Say "God, I trust you to provide food for me, and I trust you to give me the wisdom to say, 'I ain't eating no monkey soup' with love and grace."

See how you feel after all that. Inserting your own fears in place of mine.

[Lindsay]

oo I am with you! I would be scared as well. I will be keeping you in my prayers. That God will ease your fears and help you feel God even more in control. As far as the Rosetta Stone application.. hehe that had me cracking up.. thats where I work part-time :-P

[Amy @ By His Grace]

B, He guides you...He talks to you...He protects you...He will give you that peace. Having these fears and doubts and uncertainties is totally normal and God knows that. It's what we do with those fears, doubts and uncertainties that makes us stronger.

[Ames]

Guatemala is a really cool place! You'll be very happy that you went, I can just about guarantee it will be life-changing. Just don't drink water that's not from a bottle and don't eat any fruit you can't peel first ;)

[Sara Bowyer]

though I can't understand your feelings....I love mission trips and have always had a heart for missions.....I am praying for you. I have to say I am proud of you for not letting your "feelings" deter you into saying no to God. What a great example that is to others out there!

I can not wait to read your posts when you get back!!!! If it is this big of a struggle, God has something mighty to do!!!

[Tonggu Momma]

Whiny is good because whiny is transparent. God will take care of you, Queen B. He might even surprise you and have you fall in love with the country. I can't wait to follow your journey... funny and whiny observations about bacteria and all.

[chickadee]

I completely understand. I would be having the same feelings.

[Kayren]

I have a feeling I'm going to be called to do this someday, and that already scares me. Your comment about being terrified inside his will is better than being comfortable on the outside of it really hits the nail on the head. That is so true.

One of my girls is also called to be a missionary. That scares me too, but I try not to show it around her.

[Fuschia]

Okay, I'm goimg waaaaay against the grain on this one (nothing new). Are you SURE, absolutely sure, GOD wants you to go? Have you made this decision based on a word from God or out of ______________ (fill in the blank with your choice: obligation, expectation, ambition, etc.)?

If you heard from God, then you can expect a grace for the task. "There is grace where there is commitment." But if this plan is of your own doing, the Holy Spirit may be nudging you in another direction.

Only you and God know the answer to that one.

I'll be praying for clarity for you...hmmm, seems like clarity is the word of the day ;)

[Sandy]

Well, I'm pretty sure this is going to be the most unpopular comment you've ever gotten but...have you seriously considered not going? Are you sure God wants you to go? Are you making yourself go because your husband is going and your daughter and your friends and it seems like as a good Christian you should go too? I'm not saying you're doing that at all. I have no idea. I'm just saying that God knows exactly how you feel and He doesn't expect us to get all of this right the first time. Obedience is often a process (also not a popular thought). You can't minister past your peace level, so...you might let yourself think about what it would be like not to go and pray from that perspective. What would God tell you then? There have been many times that the ministry opportunity that everyone else was just sure I should take was not what God wanted me to do at all. I'm not telling you to give in to irrational fears and disobey. I'm just saying that I don't think this one trip is a judgement of your commitment to God or to world missions. God loves you. You can rest in that whether you go or not. I'm still praying...

[Vicky]

I am so glad you posted this. God has been stretching me lately, and I have this feeling my comfort zone is about to be ripped to shreds. I am even starting to think it may involve going places that I never thought I'd go. The other day, I read 5 posts about having courage and taking risks for God! 5!!!

I blogged about it. I don't normally share links to my posts (because it feels all weird and self-promoting), but perhaps the posts I read will encourage you: http://vickymarie.blogspot.com/2009/01/ponderings-on-risk.html Don't feel like you have to read them if you don't want to :)

My favorite part of your post was this: "I'm going because to be terrified inside of His will is better than being comfortable outside of it." That sentence does a wonderful job of summing up how I feel right now!

I look forward to reading about how God works in you and THROUGH you in Guatemala. I'll be praying for you as you prepare for the trip and while you're there!

[PaulaW]

If you are looking for more calm reassurances -- stop reading right here. If you want my opinion ... read on.

If you are this dead set against going, what good are you or any of the persons you are going to serve really get out of this? Step back, take a deep breath, and figure out why you really dont want to go. If it's fear of flying, disease, shots, language barrier etc, then maybe you can inform yourself of the reality (or lack of) of these fears. If you just really feel this is not where you need to go right now and you are not READY to do this - with your whole heart - then maybe you shouldnt go. Maybe you ARE supposed to go ... but some other time.

[Angie]

"I'm going because to be terrified inside of His will is better than being comfortable outside of it." Amazing.

I have no words of wisdom to offer, just my reassurance that I will pray for you every time the Lord brings you to mind.

[Jessica]

I would be absolutely terrified! I do love "I'm going because to be terrified inside of His will is better than being comfortable outside of it." That is so true. I think it's amazing that you are going.

[Diane]

Your brutal truth helped me out of a pit today, my friend. Your honesty is inspiriring and you are SO courageous because you SO don't want to go. It makes me love you SO much. I'll stop shouting at you now. But I had to link you up over at my rare post today because you helped a girl out today.

[Rebeckah]

I love that God knows all about you and your fears.

I love that he will care for you during the most scary of situations.

I love that you share your struggles. You aren't afraid to say you aren't the most perfect Christian!

You are just a person being used by God.

A special, wonderful person being used by God. Spectacular.

[jean]

Why did this make me cry? I hate to cry, I look horrible all red and puffy. But you spoke the truth and so I cried. I'm glad you are going where He is sending you. Eventually you'll be happy too.

[Kim]

I can remember the night God put it on my heart (after already putting it on my hubby's) to spend a year in Uganda. We were at a concert and the orchestra was tuning up and I turned to my hubby, tears streaming down my face, and said, "But I NEVER WANTED TO GO TO AFRICA!" And he smiled back at me and simply said, "Me neither."

So...been there, done that. And I can only tell you that you'll get there and WON'T WANT TO COME HOME. The people, the place will grab your heart and won't let go and you'll find yourself IN LOVE with them.

I'm praying for you, sister, 'cause I know you're in a hard place right now. But God will get you through it and blow you away with this experience!

[rrmama]

I'm praying for you. I am like you in the sense that I don't want to leave the United States, so I understand. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I know God is going to give you the comfort and peace you need.

[Lisa@take90west]

I have been praying for you and the family moving to the orphange. I just briefly skimmed over the other comments and I too have to ask, Are you sure about this?

Maybe you are just doing this because you feel the right thing to do is to follow with your church group, your husband, daughter, etc? But do you need to do it for you? You can serve the Lord in ways that do not take you to Guatemala. Please don't think I'm not supportive, I am supportive of whatever you do! I think this trip is an amazing opportunity, but if it is not for you, there is no shame in that. None.

I'm just feeling like if this was really the thing God was calling you to do, maybe you would have more peace about it. Feeling sick over it for the next three months is probably not what you should be feeling.

On the flip side, could it be nerves in the worst way? Your imagination worst-casing itself to death? And once you safely land and get to the security of the orphange will you be able to relax? I feel so upset that you are so torn up about this. I wish you were excited! You should be happy about your decision, and full of anticipation!

I'll talk to ya.

[Jules from The Roost]

You will probably go again too and try and drag your friends with you and I will have to post something like this :(