Just before Christmas, I posted about my upcoming trip to Guatemala.
There are 36 people going to help our friends, The Carneys, prepare the apartment at the orphanage in which they'll be living. That is the number one priority of our trip.
We also want to spend as much time as possible with the kids. It is an amazing privilege to get to be a part of their lives for even one week.
I've got to be honest with you, though. At the moment, those reasons feel like details.
I hesitate to write this post. Like you, I've read bloggers who've gone on mission trips, and I've been astounded at their courage and willingness. To me it seems as if the needs of the children and the call of God have totally outweighed any personal discomfort that they might have endured.
Well. That's not exactly how I'm feeling.
Y'all. I don't want to go. At all. I want to scream and cry and throw a major fit and NOT GO.
I'm dragging my feet on shots and passports and fundraising and discussions of what to pack.
I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it.
I don't want to go.
I feel as if the rest of the group is moving forward on how to do the best work while there and I'm by myself struggling in a serious wrestling match with God.
I'm mad at Him for making me go. He knows that this is the ONE area in which I don't want to serve.
I thought we had an agreement.
The King is all about his stupid Rosetta Stone language program.
I cover my ears and go in another room.
The emails are coming through about issues dealing with logistics.
I delete them.
I know that it is foolish. I am aware that I am being childish. Good grief, The Carneys are willing to move their family to this country and I'm having a hissy over one week.
But I still don't want to go.
I'm mad at The King for not fixing it for me. I want him to tell me that he thinks it would be better for me to stay home. I want him to make it go away.
I want The Princess to say she wants to stay home.
I want the good old postal service to (crossing my fingers) lose my passport.
I've avoided my Bible for the last few weeks. I don't want to talk to God about it or anything else right now.
He changed the rules.
I have been learning lessons about "my control issue" as I've dealt with our house not selling. Those lessons have been fine tuned as our business has been on a roller coaster.
I was just telling someone the other day that the house situation has taught me that I need to be where God wants me to be. He has shown me that when the timing is right, He will knock my socks off with how He can orchestrate the unbelievable.
I thought I was making progress.
And now He wants me to go to a third world country?
But He does.
And so I'm going.
I'm going because I'm scared to not go. I'm going because my husband wants me to go. I'm going because my daughter needs me to go.
I'm going because many others have done many things that are much more courageous.
I'm going because He promises that He will be with me.
I think He even said something about being with me to the the end of the Earth. Which, in my mind, is exactly where Guatemala is located.
I'm going because to be terrified inside of His will is better than being comfortable outside of it.
But I still don't want to go.
I recently added a button on the side of my blog that will take you to the website for The Carney's ministry, Only Grace. I thought that some of you might enjoy following their journey as it is just beginning. They are cool and brave and not whiny.