The Queen B

Consequences & Stuff

So The King and I are sitting in Panera Bread for a little breakfast and internet.  Which, by the way, is only going to be available at Panera Bread for 30 minutes at a time starting May 1st. 

We're referring to this as our Farewell Breakfast.

We ordered a french toast bagel with honey walnut cream cheese and a breakfast panini with sausage, egg and cheese.  The plan is to cut each in half and split them.  Except for I detest sausage.

Guess who comes out of that deal happy?

I can't really communicate with The King because he is straining so hard to hear the conversation in the booth behind him.  Something about Colombia and oil prices and rogue governments.

I'm feeling guilty that I said the french manicure is out.  I'm happy for those of you that enjoy it.  I think the percentage of white necessary to make it work makes my toe look weird.  So really?  It is me, not you. 

And I'm worrying that y'all think I have ants at my house.  I haven't seen an ant in my house.  Just in my, um, computer. Which is not really better, is it?  Plus, y'all have completely gagged me with stories of insects living in computers. 

It is becoming apparent to me why The King works 24/7.  (He doesn't know that I am watching him right now.) Let me tell you...I'm thinking he may have ADD.  Not kidding.  I've wondered about it before.  He can't work for watching every car that pulls into the parking lot.  And getting a drink.  And checking the Crackberry.  And staring into space.  Or directing the music with his fingers.  Issues.

And this flute music is about to send me over the edge.  It is making me a nervous wreck.  Maybe I have ADD.

Ok.  Now he's making gun noises to go along with the bagel slicer.  He just looked at me and actually said, "It's like I'm in the Millennium Falcon".

I think I'm gonna go home.

***Later***

Instead of going home I went to get my nails done.

All the talk made me cave.

I was not able to relax in the nail place. 

It began with this sign: 

Sea Spa Pedicure:  Like treats your feet to a day at the beach with natural elements from the sea in addition of Regular Pedicure

Ok.  I spent about 10 minutes assuming that it was a misprint and that "Life" treat your feet to a day at the beach.

But then I couldn't understand why life would treat your feet?

So then I spent a while assuming that they meant "treating".  Like treating your feet....

That made more sense.

But then...why would I want to treat my feet to a day at the beach?  The sand burns my feet and cramps my toes.  The shells cut my feet. 

I passed on the Sea Spa Pedicure.

I'm not even gonna talk about how long I obsessed over "...in addition of Regular Pedicure".

Once I came to terms with The Sign, I couldn't stop worrying about the fish tank.

Those fish are abnormally large.  And there are way too many of them in the tank.  There appeared to be one Tank Boss.  Every fish ran from him.  Er, swam from him.  And the majority of the fish swim in one tiny area of the tank as if in a trance.  And it is kind of dirty.  Which made me worry about my foot soak.

I find it hard to relax during the chair massage because it makes me flop all over the place.  And that makes me laugh.

And then, the biggest stresser...the leg massage.  I start worrying about how soon it is going to be over the minute it starts.

Remember my head massage dilemma?

Same basic problem.  I don't know whether to compliment or keep it shut.  I want to get as much as she is willing to give.  If I tell her it feels great will I get extra?  If I don't say anything will she get mad and stop or will she keep rubbing her heart out to try and get a compliment? 

I asked her if I could have a manicure without polish.  That totally freaked her. 

When it was time for the polishing, she looked a bit perplexed about what to do.  So she went over to the fish tank and came back with a glob of something in her hand that she only referred to as "special" and rubbed it all over me.  And then took a towel and wiped it off.

I don't want to know.

***Later***

Just got home from The King's softball game.  The smell of icy hot has invaded our abode.

Accompanied by the sound of groaning.

QBBQ #8 (Queen B's Beauty Quest Number 8)

The Queen Mother is in town because The Princess' school is having a grandparents day thing tomorrow.

And a mothers' tea.

And a schoolwide dinner.

And an awards ceremony.

All tomorrow.

Don't you love the end of school?

Anyway. We were kind of thinking of doing a dual post kind of thing. Except for I just saw that she has my blog saved on her computer with a picture of a pig.

So she may be uninvited.

We'll see where this goes.

B: What are we gonna blog about?

QM: How about a QBBQ about fingernail polish?

B: Ok.

QM: Let's name all the different kinds.

Princess: There's that NYC kind.

B: I like to call it C-H-E-A-P.

QM: You've got the OPI and the China Glaze and that Sally Hansen.

Princess: The Claire's kind is pretty good.

QM: All of the make-up lines have their own polish. They are all pretty cheap except for Chanel.

Princess: Who is Chanel?

QM: I kept breaking out so I had to start buying formaldehyde free polish.

Princess: Do they have good colors?

B looks at QM's toes and thinks not.

QM: It just looks pale next to my dark tan.

B: You need to stop going to the tanning bed.

QM: But I'm going to Florida.

B: Skin cancer does not care about your vacation.

QM: Then maybe we should do a QBBQ about sunscreen.

B: That solar oil is good stuff for your nails.

QM: That is good. I use it every day.

QM leaves the room to go get her formaldehyde free stuff. Apparently it travels with her.

QM returns with this ugly little bottle of Zoya. Apparently the formaldehyde resides in the pretty color part of the nail polish.

B: I like that essie nail polish.

QM: I like pinks for summer.

Princess: I like lime green.

The Princess is about to be banned from this conversation.

B: I like salmon-y colors and oranges for summer.

QM makes a really ugly face and says, "Not so much. I like reds for winter and warm and hot pinks for spring for summer."

B: What the heck is a warm pink?

QM: It is not quite hot. You know how a hot pink is like BRIGHT PINK...PINK! And a warm pink is not as pink. Not so PINK.

The King has left the building.

Hang on. We are having major drama on Dancing With the Stars. The Latin boy has hurt himself.

B: What about removers?

QM: I like the pads because if you stick your finger down in it your whole finger gets red.

B: Maybe it has formaldehyde. Maybe that is why your finger is getting red.

QM: Good point.

Princess: Does anyone think you're goth if you have lime green nail polish?

The King: No that is black.

B: Wait a minute...black is kind of cool. Dark colors are good.

Princess: Ooh. Like sparkly gray is ok, but not black.

It is now obvious to me that The Princess is going to need a stylist.

B: I think the french thing is close to over.

QM: Ooh. No. I love the french.

I am ending this painful conversation. Please tell us if the french is in or out. Tell us what brands and colors you wear.

And tell me why in the world she would mark me with a pig.

I think I know what has been wrong with my computer...

In the past 10 minutes I've witnessed an ant crawl out of the space between Z and X and and ant crawl out of the space between K and L.

I haven't seen a single ant in our house.

But apparently they are vacationing on the island of Mac.

I'm guessing it is not appropriate to spray bug killer on the computer.

I Might Just Start Up My Own Help Desk

While I do have a good friend who met her husband on a call into a help line, I cannot imagine too many other stories involving a help desk that end with "happily ever after".

Your immediate problem may or may not be fixed. The music is beyond annoying. The amount of time spent on hold takes up a great percentage of your lifespan. The "helpers" are generally pretty condescending.

So do you want to know how I spent my weekend?

Actually, how I've spent my last FIVE WEEKS.

Warning: This is boring. But it is all that I did this weekend so it is all that I've got.

I purchased Adobe Photoshop Elements 6 last December. Soon after, we switched from a PC to a Mac. Adobe was very helpful (help desk call #1) and explained to me how I could trade my PC version of Elements for the Mac version. Except the Mac version didn't come out until March.

That was cool with me. I didn't use my PC version because in no way shape or form did I believe that Adobe would actually let me trade my used version. Even though they said they would.

So. The March launch date rolled around and I called Adobe (help desk call #2). They walked me through destroying my PC version and assured me that my Mac version was in the mail.

I received the Mac version about a week later and began installing it.

ERROR: ADOBE PHOTOSHOP ELEMENTS 6 WAS NOT ABLE TO INSTALL

So I called Adobe (help desk call #3). We spent over an hour on the phone going back through the 48 minute installation process.

Same error.

They felt that I had received a bad disk, so they assured me that a new disk was in the mail.

I received the new version about a week later and began installing it.

ERROR: ADOBE PHOTOSHOP ELEMENTS 6 WAS NOT ABLE TO INSTALL

So I called Adobe (help desk call #4). We spent over an hour on the phone going back through the 48 minute installation process.

Same error.

We then spent TWO hours on the phone cleaning, repairing, rebooting, renaming, saving, destroying, installing and such.

Same error.

Now I know you'd like me to get on with it already but I didn't have that luxury so neither do you. You're just lucky because you can quit reading.

Adobe sent me to their "next level". Same stuff. An hour. Lots of steps. Same error.

So they had me reinstall my operating system on my computer.

Did you get that? Reinstall my operating system on my computer.

So. I reinstalled. It took 2 hours. It rebooted. I installed Elements.

ERROR: ADOBE PHOTOSHOP ELEMENTS 6 WAS NOT ABLE TO INSTALL

So begins help desk call #5. And here's the deal about the help desk folks...even after I give them my case number and we go all through the history of the my situation...the new person thinks they can fix it.

They can be the hero.

Well I'm just here to tell you it was not the case.

#5 was no better than #s 4, 3, 2 or 1.

And neither was #s 6, 7, 8 or 9.

Serious.

(And let's all wish Mr. Help Desk #6 a quick recovery with his toothache. It was really bothering him.)

This has been going on for weeks. FOR WEEKS.

Finally, this weekend I got connected with the Apple help desk (help desk calls #10, 11 and 12) and after hours of consultation, advice, trial, error and ANOTHER STINKIN' REINSTALLATION OF MY OPERATING SYSTEM...

it worked.

Elements is installed.

And now? I don't know what to do with it. No clue as to where to begin.

Suggestions are welcome. You can just call my help desk.

Weekend Wonderfulness

So remember how I mentioned that The Queen Mother was going to give me a recipe to post?

Well. She's hasn't. She's busy preparing for vacation and I didn't want to bug her again.

So. I went through all my recipe cards to find the set of cards that one of her friends gave me when I got married. Her friend gave me all of the original recipe cards that my mom had ever given her.

That made sense, right?

I searched until I found the recipe that she was supposed to give me. This recipe card is probably, like 23 years old. I hope it still translates into today's convenience products.

Strawberry Crisp

1 cup flour
1/4 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup chopped pecans
1/2 cup melted butter (1985 QM referred to oleo)
1 large package frozen strawberries, thawed
1 cup sugar
2 tsp. lemon juice
2 egg whites
1 tub cool whip (No idea what size. 1985 QM doesn't specify.)

Combine first flour ingredients. Press in pan. (I'm guessing 9x13. 1985 QM doesn't specify.) Bake at 350 for 20 minutes. Stir a little bit after it starts browning. (2008 QM: If you are reading, please explain this step in the comments.) Cool.

Combine strawberries, sugar, lemon juice, egg whites and beat on high until light and fluffy. Fold in Cool Whip. Reserve 1/3 of crumbs and leave the rest in the pan. Spread out. Pour strawberry mixture over crumbs. Sprinkle the rest of the crumbs on top. Freeze. Do not have to thaw to serve.

This is super yummy. Which is why I asked QM for it. And she may have modified it over the years. I'm not really sure. Check the comments. She'll be sure to let us know.

Happy Weekend.

All The Things That Can't Carry Their Own Post- UPDATED

There are always a few strange things that happen during the week that I want to share, but either:

A. I'm too lazy to blog about them at the time.
B. They're really not that funny.
C. They're really not that interesting.
D. They are completely inappropriate.
E. Other

So. I just thought I'd recap a few of the things that I almost blogged about this week and tell you why I didn't blog about them.

Because I am all about a good post.

1. The Seriousness of My Calico-like Hair Color.

Pros: My hair is not very cute. And blogging about it kind of helps. Sort of like therapy.

Cons: I've gone off about my hair quite a bit. I felt it would be painful for you to read any more. And I don't want you to think I whine. (Stop rolling your eyes. Mother.)

2. Ruby's Gift

Pros: Ruby, our schnoodle, is not so bright. Bless her. She has one skill. Just one. She kills moles. That girl can sniff out a mole like I sniff out a brownie. She brought us, like, 10 moles last year. A friend of mine came over for a visit on Wednesday and we went out on the back patio. Well guess what Ruby brought us?
Now. I don't know if you are familiar with the mole, but let me show you a picture of a healthy mole:

They are about the size of a mouse. They are not very big at all, but their hands are humongous.

Cons: Well. Mr. Dead Mole had begun the process of, um, being dead (see? inappropriate.) and had started to, um, bloat. Except. Only his ginormous hands were bloated. So he looked like he had on those medical gloves blown up like balloons. (completely inappropriate). I took a picture. I was gonna post it. But then I came to my senses and and realized that I was about to post a picture of a dead rodent.

3. Late Night Fright

Pros: Wednesday night The King was out of town. And it was storming. With a lot of lightening. I had just gotten all cozy in my bed when this piercing, screeching, horrendous sound began. Our burglar alarm was going off. LOUDLY. Like, the kind that is supposed to let your neighbors know that you are in a situation. I bolted out of bed to turn that terrible noise off.

Which is really not the best plan.

If there had, in fact, been an intruder in my home... how exactly is running down the stairs as fast as possible to turn the alarm off going to be in my best interest?

And it wasn't the burglar alarm after all. It was the fire alarm.

Which is much more comforting late on a stormy night when your husband is out of town.

I called the alarm monitoring place to tell them not to send the police. They usually call to verify the emergency and let you know the police are on the way unless you can say the secret password. I thought I'd cut them off at the pass.

Because I was in my jammies and it was going to be a lot of trouble. And I really didn't smell any fire.

Hindsight tells me this was probably not the best idea.

Anyway, this is how conversation with the alarm monitoring place went down.

AMP (Alarm Monitoring Place): Hello. Alarm Monitoring Place.

B: Um Hi. This is B's Palace and my alarm is going off but I think everything is ok so I don't need the police or anything.

AMP: What did you say your last name is?

B: Palace.

AMP: OK. Now what did you say your last name is?

B: PALACE. P-A-L-A-C-E.

AMP: Hey, hold on a minute.

(So this would be an excellent time for the ax murderer to sit back, have a cup of coffee, you know...wait for a bit.)

AMP: (a new voice) What is your last name?

B: MY LAST NAME IS PALACE. P-A-L-A-C-E.

AMP: I'm sorry. We are in the middle of a shift change.

____________________

TIME OUT: They are in the middle of a shift change? The emergency place takes a shift change mid-emergency?

Let's ponder, shall we?

...I'm sorry ma'am, if you could just keep on with those chest compressions for a few minutes, it is my break...

...Hang on. If you'll just hold some pressure to that wound, you shouldn't lose too much blood. My ride is outside waiting...

...Did you say someone's breaking in? Well. Hang on. Joe's going to take over as soon as he gets his time card stamped. Just go over all that with him again...

...I'm sorry ma'am, I'd help you but I've got tickets to the 10 o'clock movie, so keep looking for that pulse and Sally will be here in a second...

____________________

AMP: Ok. Now. What was your emergency?

B: My alarm is going off and I was going to tell somebody that all is well and you can call off the police. (Wanting to say that I was stabbed and bleeding and that 2 minutes ago I probably could have been saved, but now I'm pretty sure I'm heading toward the light.)

AMP: We don't have a record of a call from you.

B: Well. It is blaring. Didn't dream it...

AMP: No record, ma'am.

B: Could it possibly have been deleted in the midst of the shift change?

AMP: No.

B: Ok. Well. Then. Do I need to give the secret password?

AMP: No.

B: Alrighty then.

Shouldn't I have had to give the secret password?

So then I called The King and he called the alarm person who came to our house at 10 p.m. to fix it but it was messed up and so he had to take it "off-line"...like "on-line" was a big help...and they would try to get it fixed soon.

Which meant that I had to sit up in bed waiting for the ax murderer sent by the alarm people who knew I was off-line.

I did tell the alarm man how glad I was that The King had taught me to shoot a gun. Which he hasn't. But I thought it might be a good thing to say.

Cons: I think we have all had PLENTY of the alarm story.

4. The King and His Music

Pros: The King was working late the other night and I heard Celine Dion belting from his itunes.

Cons: The King was working late the other night and I heard Celine Dion belting from his itunes.

I could go on with a few more things, but I feel I lost you all at the bloated mole.

That's it for now.

You're welcome.

UPDATED TO ADD: Ruby just brought me another mole. I am considering hiring her out for mole assassination.

The Winner of the $40 Amazon Gift Certificate is...

Thank you to each person that signed up for the giveaway!!!

I can't believe how many of you signed up!! I wish I could give you all a prize.

But that would have cost me $34,500.00

And I need to save that for fuel.

Without further ado...

The Winner is

Kelly S!!!

This is Kelly S's comment:

Oh my gosh, my favorite thing is BOOKS, so I'd buy books books books.

Thanks for the chance Queenie.

Kelly S.

Random Integer Generator

Here are your random numbers:

113

I wish you all good results from the Bloggy Giveaway Carnival!!

Who Me? Copy?

Whatever. I'm swiping.

Lisa posted these questions the other day. She didn't really tag people, but I am pretending that she tagged me.

Because it is easy and everyone is signing up for giveaways and not reading posts anyway.

Where is your cell phone? In my purse. Or my car. Or maybe plugged in...

Your significant other? On the couch by me. We're watching Gilmore Girls. But he is gross and eating a bowl of canned peaches mixed with peanut butter. Sick-o.

Your hair? Just got it colored today. My regular hair person did it. She hadn't seen it since Johnny (who is dead to me) ruined me. She wasn't really impressed. And my color looks a little calico cat-ish. Perhaps I'm being punished.

Your mother? She lives about an hour away.

Your father? He lives about 10 minutes away.

Your favorite thing? Hmmm. Can't think of anything in particular. If my house was burning down I'd grab my wedding ring and my scrapbooks. So maybe those. And also a Sonic Large Diet Coke. And white birthday cake.

Your dream last night? No idea.

Your favorite drink? Diet Pepsi or Diet Mt. Dew

Your dream/goal? Hmm. To be contributing something and loving it.

The room you a€™re in? Den

Your ex? Who knows.

Your fear? That which I cannot control...but I'm working on it!!

Where do you want to be in 6 years? To be contributing something and loving it.

Where were you last night? My dad's house giving him a remedial lesson in computing.

What you a€™re not? Outdoorsy.

Muffins? No, thank you. I prefer bakery items that don't taste like cardboard.

One of your wish list items? An Amazon Kindle--but I don't really know anyone that has one. So I'm not sure about it. But I think I want it.

Where you grew up? Lots of places in Arkansas and Texas. We moved every 3 years.

The last thing you did? Baked chocolate chip cookies so that I could eat some dough.

What are you wearing? jeans and orange t-shirt

Your TV? On. Gilmore Girls.

Your pets? 2 dogs: Heidi & Ruby; 2 cats: Oliver & Chester

Your computer? MacBook Pro. LOVE IT.

Your life? Nothing that I imagined, for which I'm so thankful!! I love most everything about my life.

Your mood? Relatively upbeat.

Missing someone? Not so much.

Your car? Toyota 4Runner

Something you a€™re not wearing? Shoes--ditched at the door. Watch--can't type on the computer with it on.

Favorite store? Anthropologie

Your summer? Almost here!!

Like someone? People who are always genuine and never jealous.

Your favorite color? Black & Red

When is the last time you laughed? About 5 minutes ago...Gilmore Girls

Last time you cried? When my cat died.

Who will repost this? Anyone that can't think of anything else to post...

Thanks for indulging me.
Have a terrific day!

Against My Better Judgment

Have you ever gone along with something that you know is doomed from the start?

Just for the sake of peace?

Welcome to Sunday afternoon at The Palace.

About four years ago, we The King bought a zip line for The Princess.

Four years ago.

I have managed to stall the installation of the zip line for four years.

This weekend, The Princess had a little session of demanding that we put it up.

Now. As in, right now.

The King first thought it would be fun to put it over the pool.

Which is a great idea, don't you think?

I can just imagine the sweet children dropping right onto the edge of the concrete from above.

We The King went with his second choice and decided to put it in the front yard.

You know things are getting serious when The Tool Bag comes out.

And when the ladder comes out? Stand back.

He began by measuring 60 feet from tree to tree. Which seems like quite a distance when your child will be traveling through the air at a high rate of speed.

I had a fit when he started measuring 160 inches up the tree. That is over 13 feet. Up in a tree.

He was actually going to put our only daughter over 13 feet up in a tree where she would travel a distance of 60 feet in the air.

But really. I should've known his first concern would be her safety. Safety is his priority.

I mean, he would never consider standing on a ladder that is PROPPED AGAINST THE TREE WITHOUT UNFOLDING IT AS IT SITS ON A GROUND OF MUD AND ROCKS. WHILE WEARING FLIP FLOPS.

He would never do that.

And how pitiful. The Princess is aiding in the installation of the contraption that will likely render her first broken bone.

The neighbor children made a mad dash for the yard as soon as they saw The King on a ladder.

The little girl with a broken arm begged to go on a ride.

I will be posting a sign with this warning:

Flail at your own risk. The Palace will not be responsible for any injury or harm that comes to any person that chooses to engage in riding on this ridiculous apparatus.

Don't think I won't.

We had a minor situation when a few of the screws were missing.

From the box. Not The King.

I know that is what you were thinking.

Anyway. We lost 2 screws, a washer and a nut.

The Princess said she was working really hard to find the "lugbot".

The King, of course, found a spare for each missing part and we were back on track.

After a few hours, we had liftoff.

Don't be confused...she is not on the ladder. She is flying through the air. My mad photography skills create an optical illusion.

Um. The thing about the zip line is that you pretty much stop by, you know, hitting a tree. And there's just really no good way to do that. When I heard a large snap, I was pretty sure bones were breaking.

The King rode it.

The Princess rode it.

Queen B will take a pass.

Be sure to check back often for injury reports.

Here I Go Again On My Own

I need closure. And since I think you should also need closure, I am going to fill you in on the rest of the Statewide Competition de Mathematics.

I was going to update you yesterday, but I was distracted by all of the giving away.

I am happy to tell you that we made it home safely from the Statewide Competition de Mathematics.

By ourselves.

Without followers.

Not because there was any conflict about my leading skills.

The moms all just took off as fast as they possibly could without telling me.

I have a few observations that I need to share.

1. If you are currently, or are ever planning on, working at a hotel, I need to offer a suggestion. Don't place a post-it note on the back of the iron. I know the room number needs to placed on the iron somewhere for identification purposes. (I personally think a Sharpie is your best bet.) But the post-it note catches on fire. Just thought I might pass that along.

2. If you are following directions that say "turn left and then turn right", turning left and then turning left is not really a great option. Because you might drive for 10 miles one direction looking for Las Palmas Mexican Restaurant. And the only place of business that you might see during this 10 mile jaunt could be Delores'es Kut & Kurl. And while I'm sure Delores has incredible kutting and kurling skills, you should probably refrain from hiring her to write your term paper.

3. If there is one particular family at your school that doesn't like you, I mean really doesn't like you, abstain from giving them directions when they ask how to get to the Statewide Competition de Mathematics location. There is always the possibility that the location of the Statewide Competition de Mathematics might have moved 3 weeks ago without your knowledge. And you might find out about it just as you are leaving your hotel on your way to the competition. And you might not have their phone number.

A little more: And when you try to explain to the father of this particular family that doesn't like you how sorry you are that you unknowingly gave the wrong directions and he says "I guess we should read our notes a little closer, shouldn't we" in a condescending manner let it roll off your back. Otherwise, you will be forced to think mean comebacks in your head for rest of the weekend day. An example of the comebacks that you might be forced to think would be, "well, who the heck was the one asking for directions".

4. When staying in a hotel in an unfamiliar environment, be sure and ask if there are rooms with windows 100 feet from the interstate. And if so, opt out of such rooms.

5. If you have the chance of purchasing gas for $3.34 and you think that you can find it cheaper even though your gas tank is on "32 miles until empty" and the nearest town is 30 miles away, you might want to go ahead. Because the next 4 fuel stops might sell gas for $3.49, $3.44, $3.39 and $3.44. And you could almost run out.

6. If your daughter says "my throat hurts" with flaming red cheeks on the morning of the competition, just go ahead and send her. She won't begin to run an extremely high fever until the trip home.

7. If this same daughter asks how to break down the fraction "1/8" right before the competition, you might want to lower your expectations.

We really did have a great time. I was very proud of The Princess. She qualified for a really hard competition and had a great attitude. Even though she didn't place, she was glad that she had been included.

Which is a marked improvement from the year before.

As far as the drive home, I was only honked at by one truck and I dodged a blow-out from another.

Which counts as a pretty good day on the interstate.