No Animals Were Harmed For The Posting Of This Blog

I don't believe we've met. The name's Oliver.

I live here at The Palace. Oh, it's a Palace all right.

If you are a person.

Not so much for the felines.

They took off my claws. They "helped control the pet population".

Funny, since they won't let me outside.

I share a water bowl with 3 other animals.

I share a litter box with the oldest cat in the animal kingdom.

She must be working on, like, her 12th life.

"The King" calls me The Terrorist. He ain't seen nothin' yet.

"The Princess" calls me Fatty McFat-Fat. I am not fat. I am big boned.

"The Queen" feeds me. I had a plan to be really nice to her. But now....

...things have changed.

I am 9 months old. I am big and strong. I weigh 11 pounds.

Last week, I made a decision. I got sick and tired of licking myself. The bathing was driving me nuts.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep this gorgeous coat? I had a choice...if I was going to be beautiful I would have to commit to non-stop grooming. OR I could go back to mistreating the old hag and aggravating the canines. And I love aggravating the canines.

So I quit the upkeep. Just stopped. And something terrible happened.

I became one giant hairball.

It was horrible. The agony. I couldn't scratch them out. I couldn't lick them out--that made me throw up on The King & Queen's bedroom floor. So I did all I knew to do: I pulled my hair out with my teeth.

Apparently that "freaked out" The Queen. She thought it was "creepy".

I don't really see how it is any different from her pulling out the hair over her eyes.

Stupid humans.

The night before last I went to get my sixth helping of kibble and the food was gone. Nowhere to be found. The water was gone, too.

And then, yesterday morning The King put me in his truck. And he took me to the prison camp where they stole my claws and my manhood. (I howled at the top of my lungs. Let me tell you...I was not going to make it easy for him to be a Crackberry.)

The next thing I know...the prison guards had stolen my hair! My beautiful hair!

I repulse myself.

This is so humiliating.

Now go back to whatever stupid human stuff you were doing.

Comments

[Queen Mother]

The look on his face in the last photo says it all!! You better watch out. Oliver is plotting and if looks could destroy....let's just say your new couch is NOT safe. I might lock him out of your bedroom tonight, too!!!

[karen]

You are so going to pay for that!

And I'm sure he doesn't want to hear how cute he looks.

[Lisa@Take90West]

Oh my. He looks like he came right out of a box of Littlest Pet Shop toys.

[Kat @ The Burb Blog]

Ha, ha! Revenge! I love it and I think that cat deserves it, just because it's a cat. :) I'm more of a dog person but I would totally borrow your cat to put it on the table so I could laugh at it.

Sorry. I apologize. I do love kittens and I am glad that someone likes cats. I really do love those photos. There was nothing mean meant by this post. I'm just laughing so hard I'm crying. I'm a bad person...with a golden retriever...I'm done...not done laughing though...

[Shelia]

I love the way you write!

[Jeni]

Oh, Oliver, Oliver...you'll find your dignity hiding under the bed. Don't try to coax it out until your hair grows back a little.

Queen B, back when I was working as a vet (for 2 years, to answer your question) we would do this to SO many cats in the spring and summer. Poor things. Once they got used to it, though, I think they liked the easy maintenance - they basically got a wash & go style!

[Kellyn]

You have to warn someone before they read this! (as I wipe water off my monitor...). Poor Oliver! We had to do that to a cat one year, just didn't want to clean themselves anymore.
It will come back thicker and better...and maybe he won't be a brat about cleaning it himself!
Have I told you lately that I LOVE your stories!!!

[Kelly @ Love Well]

"I repulse myself."

HA! I'm drooling, I'm laughing so hard.

But please tell me you didn't laugh at Oliver in front of Oliver? Because cats kill people who laugh at them. And I'd dearly hate to lose you.

[Faithful Chick]

I'm not even a cat person, but I was CRACKING up over this post. Hilarious!

[Christie]

Trying really hard to stop laughing at those poor pictures. Poor, stupid, fat cat.

[Casa de Jules]

Oh my! I gave my kitty up for adoption over a year ago...our new upholstery was paying dearly. If only I would've read this post back then - maybe I would've had more courage to declaw.

In the meantime, I'm sure others will appreciate Oliver's inner beauty. He's still adorable in my book.

[Drama Mama]

He looks so embarrased! Poor fellow- He may need therapy!

[Janel]

That is FUNNY!
The whole post - Fatty McFat-Fat had me laughing out loud, but those photos - crying laughing. Seriously, that was too funny. poor kitty.

[Mom of 2]

Oliver looks BEAUTIFUL! Even with a scowl on his face............

[ValleyGirl]

Kitty, you got some serious typing skills, without claws and all!! Very impressive.

I've been lurking around here ever since you first started blogging and I very much enjoy your writing.

[alli]

I had decided that nothing was going to make me laugh tonight. I've got the flu. My princess has the flu. My lover is at a Elder's meeting. Was I suppose to capitalize Elder?

I'm feeling grumpy.

I found your blog from rocks in my dryer...where I lurk often...

This cat is hilarious! The entry made me chuckle.

Thanks!!!

[BrownEyedGirl]

What a freaky lookin' cat!

Just happened across your blog so I thought I'd say hi!

[Straight Shooter]

O. M. G. ! ! ! I am trying to catch my breath! I choked so hard laughing! THAT is no holds bar (is that the saying?) best post I've read in a long time!!

[laura]

You've outdone yourself! You've got the best humor in your writing.

Oliver seems like the type that will serve revenge cold. Better check your pillows for hairballs at night- oh wait..he doesn't have any hair yet. Well I guess that's why he'll serve the revenge cold. It may take awhile for him to grow it back. But ya know, if you can grow your hair faster by making that facial expression...who knows. Love your blog!!

[crunchy carpets]

I would watch your back...that is a ticked and humiliated cat...snort.

OOOOOOH...as a long term cat owner I tend to get some evil glee in humiliating the snotty little suckers.

[Happy Mommy]

I had no idea where this was going, I thought you got rid of the cat... Oh my great day in the morning you had him shaved! That is just way to funny, way to brilliant, I love how you think!

[Vanity]

OH MY GOSH!!!!

If that isn't the cutest thing I've ever seen! Absolutely darling!!!

My Contessa (18 month old kitty) thinks he's very handsome!!!!

Love your blog!

[Julie From Inmates]

I am so laughing at Oliver... but I bet he gets the last laugh most days. =)

[Stacey Flores]

Ohhhhh---poor Oliver! :)
But YOU, my dear, are HILARIOUS!!
Just found your blog today and I KNOW I'll be back!!!